legacycentral bbs

Hey all,

Pretty off-topic, but I'd like to get your opinions on online dating/relationships. A little prior history of myself first.

I used to be engaged to what I thought at the time was the perfect girl. She was completely the nurturing type, cute as hell!! (I was 14 when I met her and we were together for almost 10 years. I was totally and completely ready to spend the rest of my life together with her. She, on the otherhand, began withdrawing from me when she started hanging out with one of my best friends at the time.

My ex eventually broke up with me to be with my best friend and two days later shacked up with him. Needless to say, I was devastated and have since been somewhat withdrawn from any relationship after that. It's just that I thought that person was the ONE and all of my definitions and feelings of "love" were shattered in one fell swoop. How did I know what was real and faux?

Ever since that outrageous experience (I went through a crazy depressive state after that) I've been yearning to find someone who made me feel complete. It doesn't help that I live in the DC metro area, where women (that I tend to meet anyway) seem to be more interested in dating around rather than engaging in something for the long haul.

Fast forward about 6 months ago when I met a pretty fantastic woman online. She surpasses everything I ever thought was prefect about my ex-fiance!! Our conversations progressed to the point where she was willing to come out to meet me in person. I withdrew from this because I was going through a lot of crap with an ex of mine (we were already broken up when I met the online woman). I also had my doubts that anything would really come of this. Again, the thoughts that I might be misleading myself were pervasive in my mind.

I won't lie to you guys when I say that I started falling for this woman HARD! I think I'm still subconsciously scared that what I think might be real will end up being a "I've been cheated on" experience. I recently began talking to this woman again after a 2 month hiatus with her. I apologized for withdrawing but she understood everything that was going on with my life and is willing to try things out again.

With that, I begin to feel anxiety . . . I just wish I could shake this stigma that I have about relationships.

So the two-part question I pose to you guys is:

Do you all think it's worthwhile to attempt to start a serious relationship online? It would truely be a fairly long-distance relationship at first (she's from the mid-west), but she's expressed her motivation to move out here if things work out. Also, how do I get over this almost-overwhelming feeling that I might be naive with respect to my expectations for the success of the relationship?

Thanks,

Jason

If you ask me anxiety is to be expected after what you've been through. Realize that fear is the focus of what you don't want to happen, nothing more than that. It won't hurt to meet this girl in person, get to know her a little better in person. I would suggest not to take it too fast. Give yourself some time and take it one step at a time. Don't jump into a "marrage" level of seriousness until your relationship has grown enough to be ready for that point.

My uncle found his current wife online, and they get along great. Sure there are stories of it not working or being weird, but at some level, as with any relationship, you have to test the waters a little. Just be smart and wise in the steps you take and how big of leaps you make between them. It will help you keep a more level head.

Also realize that a woman isn't the answer necissarily to your lonliness. Just fillig a void won't make things good in the long run. It may help things in the here and now, but the deeper hurt won't be fixed by just finding someone else. I'm assuming you've seen some counseling, and although I'm not big on counselors myself, I would recommend seeing them cause it may be of some help.

-Ryan

jason, about your ex, I don't mean to be rude when I say this or anything like that, but I feel that it's better that she broke up with you when she did rather than 10-15 years down the road. You would have been hurt way more by that. About this new girl, what do you know about her past relationships? has she ever been engaged/married. Does she have any children? What don't you like about her?

My last girlfriend I met online after a very similar experience (except there was no best friend involved. Which is good, because I'm don't want to go to jail).

Just take it as it is and don't expect too much. It's easier said than done, I know. From my experience, everything women say they want from men are lies - romantic respectful guys are treated suspiciously and dismissed as obsessive while closet gays and losers get all the action. Or rich guys... Women I haven't cared about have loved me (I don't get romantic with women like that and 'act' like I don't really care that they're around) while the ones I like never want that kind of a relationship and would rather float from one loser to the next and come crying to me later about it.

So...my woman-ignorant advice would be (and actually, my non-lesbian sister would concur) to just take it easy. Don't put everything in like it means that much to you (even if it does). Make sure you don't always jump when she says - sometimes decline a date because you had something else already planned (make something up if you have to). Make her think you are fine without her, but it's nice when she's around occassionally - after all nobody respects someone who kisses their ass all the time. I hate this sh!t myself as it's playing a game and hate games because they're false and I have little to no tolerance for anything phony. My beliefs are important to me so I don't play games and, therefore, I don't get laid - I suggest you don't be like me.

Most importantly remember that you are the man - if you believe it you will be it, but no one else can do it for you.

Steve

evolutionmovement wrote: So...my woman-ignorant advice would be (and actually, my non-lesbian sister would concur) to just take it easy. Don't put everything in like it means that much to you (even if it does). Make sure you don't always jump when she says - sometimes decline a date because you had something else already planned (make something up if you have to). Make her think you are fine without her, but it's nice when she's around occassionally - after all nobody respects someone who kisses their ass all the time. I hate this sh!t myself as it's playing a game and hate games because they're false and I have little to no tolerance for anything phony. My beliefs are important to me so I don't play games and, therefore, I don't get laid - I suggest you don't be like me.

Most importantly remember that you are the man - if you believe it you will be it, but no one else can do it for you.

Steve

I just can't agree with this advice. It is planting a seed of dishonesty early on in the relationship. Declining a date and making up an excuse to appear disinterested is a crock of shit. What if she takes that as genuine disinterest and gos off and finds someone else. Then you are out in the cold, again.

I am currently living with a woman that I met on Cobb's forum. We met five months ago when she first started shopping for a WRX. We started chatting and she had a layover in Denver on the way to pick up her WRX in Portland. She lived in Billings and I in Boulder. Portland had the cheapest price, so she flew out and drove it home. We had been chatting for a few weeks and just got an hour in the airport to visit. We hit it off immediately and made plans for me to visit for the weekend 2 weeks later. We chatted most everyday in between. After that, we started seeing each other and she came down to visit a bunch. She is a nurse and only worked 3 days a week, so she would drive the 500 miles and spend a couple days at my place.

After about three months of this we decided we wanted to be closer to each other. Since nurses are in shortage all she had to do was get a Colorado license and hit a temp agency. She left a lot of stuff in MT and it is a temporary trial. if you will. My lease is up in 2 months and if it isn't working, she'll just move out. If it is still working we are gonna rent a house where we have a garage and I can tear apart my Legacy and our other 2 Subbies.

So, I say go for it. With the distance, you guys will have a chance to do a lot of taling online and on the phone. Schedule a weekend together in each of your respective places of residence. This way it will be one of your environments where it won't feel like a vacation and lead to fantasy living.

Lastly, continue the honesty you expressed. I too have been dumped and cheated on. I have some major trust and jealousy issues. But I have laid them on the table. And when I react to something I can pretty quickly see what I am doing and put a halt to it and apologize for imposing on her with my baggage. And she understands and forvgives me, because she genuinely cares. Also, as mentioned, if you have some hole in yourself, another person will not fill it. Find out what that hole is and wrok on it. It doesn't mean that you can't get in a relationship until the hole is filled, but don't slip into co-dependency by trying to make yourself whole through another. A good healthy relationship will make you more than whole and raise you to a new level of happiness. Take care and godd luck...

Thanks for the advice guys. My internal problem is something I'll have to try to work on a little better, I guess.

THAWA wrote:jason, about your ex, I don't mean to be rude when I say this or anything like that, but I feel that it's better that she broke up with you when she did rather than 10-15 years down the road. You would have been hurt way more by that.

You're right, and I thought about how my life has changed for the better since we broke up. I learned alot about myself, I was able to develop my own personality rather than having a relationship-dependent personality. I think my current state of wanting a relationship is brought upon by all of my close friends being involved in some serious relationships. It's happened to me before. All of my old friends have gotten married and I don't see them as often as I used to. I made another set of close (single) friends that I've been hanging out with alot the past couple of years, but now they've all found serious relationships.

It's like the changing of the guard. I don't really feel inclined to start looking for a new set of friends yet again, ya know?

Just fillig a void won't make things good in the long run. It may help things in the here and now, but the deeper hurt won't be fixed by just finding someone else.

That was my reasoning behind finding those new single-person friendships again. I'll admit, that while I was hanging out with the single crowd, I didn't really think about relationships too much. They just sorta happened.

I'm assuming you've seen some counseling, and although I'm not big on counselors myself, I would recommend seeing them cause it may be of some help.

I did see a counselor during that rough time in my life. She was the same counselor that diagnosed me with mild depression when I was younger. She suggested that I try to keep myself busy and just to keep from a relationship, just so I could take that time to see the other opportunities that were out there (relationshipwise and non-relationshipwise).

So...my woman-ignorant advice would be (and actually, my non-lesbian sister would concur) to just take it easy. Don't put everything in like it means that much to you (even if it does).

This is the stance that I took with a lot of my more recent relationships. Like I said in the previous post, a lot of the girls I tended to gravitated towards lately were typically the ones who I wouldn't really see myself being with for the long term. I'd try to keep my poker-face about the relationship, similar to what you described. Basically, playing the game. Albeit, they seemed to play the game a lot better than me.

About this new girl, what do you know about her past relationships? has she ever been engaged/married. Does she have any children? What don't you like about her?

Rather than to get in to the details, this new girl has been through a similar hell as me when it comes to her last relationship. She hasn't been in a serious relationship for a few years now as well, for the same reasons as me. I think that's what began our conversations. A lot more to relate to.

She has a lot of similar interests, she's one of the most caring and understanding people I've met so far. No kids, was engaged once, but that relationship failed. There isn't anything that I can really pick out that I don't like about her.

Well let me give you this one tip then. Since you both have been through the same crap, you both will be scared that the other will drop first, and therefore be thinking of only making it work, because that's what you both want. Be subjective and honest with yourself and her. I would also say take your time. Just get to know each other and take it one step at a time.

Good luck.

Matt - it sucks, but I've found that honesty has never worked for me except making friends (which I couldn't care less). To get pu$$y only dishonesty and feigned indifference has worked for me. I truly hope you're right and that these are singular experiences reserved for my 'good' fortune and not representative of all women in general. It's my only hope for a unlonely future, but alas, I've yet to find the contrary in my un-idealized life.

Steve

I'll throw in my two cents.

I told myself I wouldn't do the long distance thing.....I tried it once....after several months....it just wasn't working.....IMO....the lack of personal contact prohibits the relationship from progressing. If you can handle having things be on hold or moving very slowly, then it might work. The fact she would like to move out your way is a plus....that sets a point or end of the long distance thing.

The fact you met her on the internet is no biggy IMO. I would suggest meeting in person....can't hurt. I just met a girl around here online, we've been on a couple dates, and things are good so far.

On a related note to some of the stuff posted earlier. I've been with a few girls that really fell into the needy category, and I fell into that trap a time or two myself. If you get two people like that....then it's ok, but if you have one person that is more independant then the other, that creates a problem. Plus time away from each other and individual activities/interests also promote a healthier relationship IMO. However having similar interests also helps too.

Respect and trust are two VERY IMPORTANT things. I haven't dated much since college....mainly because I'm rather picky, plus it's hard going out with someone you can't respect because they're either dumber then a box of bricks, and/or they act like they're in middle school when it comes to living their life. You don't want someone to be condenscending either....that pisses me off too....but if you each have respect for each other and what they do, job/interests/etc....that is a big plus.

The trust thing.....I'm not even going to go into this too deeply.....Trust is one of the founding parts of a relationship....without it....you might as well give it up now....lack of trust festers so many future problems it's insane.

I don't profess to be a relationship expert....but I've had my screw ups....so all I can do is learn from them....and hope I find someone that compliments my personality and interests. Similar to how the right accessories on a car compliments it and brings the whole package together. Relating cars to relationships......gotta love it...haha

boostjunkie wrote: Do you all think it's worthwhile to attempt to start a serious relationship online?

Going on 4 years in a relationship that started online.
So that's my opinion, If you can get her close, go for it.

I have probably had the least amount of romantic relationships of anybody here: NONE!!! Not once have I really had a true, honest girlfriend. I've had a few make-out friends and a f*(&k-buddy, but those were not relationships and not things I look back fondly on.

I'd say it's mostly my fault, as well. I have a hard time finding that same camaraderie with a woman as I do with guys. I am rather traditional in that I treat females like ladies. I open doors, I pick up things, etc. etc. That I don't mind. But I can't talk dirty or scratch my bAllz or rip farts in front of a girl , coz that turns them off, obviously. Then I don't feel like my real self, and I can't get close to them.

Here's what I believe: If you meet someone and just start talking like you've been friends for the past 10 years within 20 minutes, THIS is something to cultivate! That is chemistry in the purest sense. That is what I'm looking for and also what I'm having a hard time finding...

I do have some contact with a girl who I met through NASIOC, believe it or not . Get a load of all these similarities: We both go to UCF, she drives an 01 RS and absolutely loves it, knows more about it than 75% of all the WRX owners on that board , we both have very similar tastes in music, and we have had similar family histories, as she lost her father early. We have a whole bunch in common. Unfortunately, she's far from Miss America and while I have fun hanging out with her, I'm afraid I have no physical attraction to her. So it's just friends at this point.

So online relationships aren't bad IMO, it can actually be good, because most people usually talk to others of similar interests online. Jason, should you meet her as FRIENDS first and put the romantic relationship aside first??? YES! Her online personality might be totally different from her actual personality. People change a whole bunch when they're only looking at a computer screen.

But I'd say it's perfectly feasible and worth a shot. Good luck!

Been in a relationship mostly cultivated online for the last year and some change. age difference is definitely there, but we connect on such an amazing level, that it doesnt matter

Thanks for the replies again. I'm really taking all of what you've said to heart right now as I'm treading on on-charted territory with the online thing. I think one of my worries was, in fact, the idea that a face-to-face meeting might end up being completely different than an interaction online. The trust issue is definitely something I keep as an ideal in a relationship as well.

That being said, I think I'll just play things out as they come. If we end up being perfect for each other. Cool! If not . . . then oh well.

There is a little bit of an age gap. She's 31 and I'm almost 27.

One other comment I will say that I'm doing my best to do is try not to let your brain go wild with all the what-if scenerios and this and that. It'll drive you insane. I know you don't want to be totally "whatever" Pick a few important things about the relationship, where you might want it to go, and slowly build on them.

A fellow over analizer, eh Josh? hehe, yeah I fall into that too. It is hard but try not to take it for anything more than what it is. You can have your dreams and hopes and what not, but keep them in perspective.


Although it is often times easier said than done.

Wow

Okay, this is one of those threads where I say to myself: "I love the people on this board". So much honest and solid advice to work with.

Jason, I could go on about this subject in great detail. . . twice-divorced, no kids, and a couple girlfriends in the past. However, I'm going to approach this a bit differently by asking YOU some questions. How you answer these questions (to yourself, if you prefer) will give you many answers to your own questions.

How do you see yourself? I mean, WHO are you? If you're not sure, then you need to take the time yourself to figure this out. I didn't realize until a few years ago that I was never truly happy, because I never took time to myself to figure out just who I was. I could identify with many things, but I still couldn't see the bigger picture that was "Art". If you can start answering this, then you're on the right track. If you can't be happy with yourself, you'll NEVER be happy in a relationship. How else does this help? It assists you in identifying the REAL reasons you're attracted to a particular woman. Forget the "types" of women out there. It still boils-down to each individual. . . you may think you can judge a book by its cover, but that simply is not the case.

Okay, next. What do you really want out of a relationship? If you ultimately want to be married, great. But don't LOOK for someone you think you'd like to marry someday. Marriage is a means to a much, much larger end. That end being a complete life with another individual. What happens after you marry a woman you started dating because she was marriage material? Yeah. . .I can't tell you either. Okay, I WILL do a little babbling on this one. . . I think it's too important to overlook.

Relationships are based (or should be based) on friendship. I guarantee the happiest men out there are the ones who are BEST FRIENDS with their significant other. Why? Because if you're going to eventually live with someone. . . or even marry them. . . you'd better be able to get along, even when romance isn't the topic of the hour. With failed relationships in my past, I can see that none of them were based on true friendship. There was very little OT talk, not a lot of joking, or viewing each other as anything but lovers. That is a major problem. . . I can tell you that, now.

I'm not usually one to use my current life as a prime example, but I'll simply illustrate some points via amazing success:

Laurel and I met on the internet. Yes. We met on our local Honda board. Now she was a member several months before I got on there, so she had many friends locally who were up there. When I joined, I also befriended many people up there . . . and at the time, she was mostly inactive, going about her life away from the board. Well, I made several very good friends through talking online and going to local meets, and most of these friends I still hang out with on almost a daily basis. As luck would have it, Laurel got back up on the board and we talked a few times. I'd say we hit it off almost from the start, but because of our age difference we never considered each other "dating material".

Not too long after that, Laurel made her way up here to pick up some PC equipment I offered her. . .as hers was literally falling apart. I had tons of spare PCs and monitors I had already given away to other people on the board, so I insisted she take advantage of it before someone else conned me out of it. She comes up while I have many other people coming over for a small party. . .many of the people showing up her friends, too. She stays a while, we talk a bit more, good feelings of friendship existed. We talk a little more online to get everything working properly with her new equipment, and honestly I had no inclination to start flirting with her. . . I just wanted to help out.

Another month goes by, and it's Halloween. I schedule another party (by largest ever with over 30 people attending) and she drives the 80 miles to come join in the fun. The party was amazing. It was crazy. Lots of guys and gals, and everyone was just having a great time. Somehow, Laurel and I found our way in front of a camera, and we looked pretty darn happy in the pictures that resulted. We felt very comfortable around each other, and the fun just oozed. Still, we were very much friends.

We talked some more, almost exclusively online. . . then I scheduled another party. Yeah, there were many parties at my place for a long time. No occasion, just a party. Again, lots of people over, a few people crashing from it being late. Well, no need to go into details, but suffice it to say a spark was present and that sometimes elusive first kiss happened. Looking back, it was an impulse. . . but what's important is that it happened between two great friends. We talked some more, and once in a while a conversation would focus on feelings and desires. Nice thing is, already being great friends, that hard part of determining the whole "getting along" subject was far behind us. Allowed us to just relax, have fun, and see where the relationship took us.

Honestly, I could not be happier with how things are going. We get to see each other, on average, about two weekends a month. Sometimes more, sometimes less. With just a 90 minute drive separating us, it's not that bad at all. . . but because of it, we still have our own very separate and distinct lives. We're forced to take things a bit slow, and I wouldn't have it any other way. People ask me if it's "hard" . . . and I simply say, "it would be harder if we didn't have such an amazing relationship going on."

What's the ideal distance? That's anyone's guess. There are times we would very much like to see each other a lot more often than we do, but being that we're both pretty practical people, we understand that we'll see more of each other in time. We both have a lot to do in the next year or so. . . and I hate to put it so bluntly, but not being in each other's way while we each close a couple chapters in our lives has been a real blessing. We see each other enough to remember what the other one looks like Serioiusly. . . I love it. Even after dating a year, I still get butterflies when I know Laurel's about to get here. It's sometimes almost like seeing each other for the first time . . . and that feeling of just a little anxiety can really remind you that you're still alive, and that your feelings for each other are most definitely genuine.

My best advice to you Jason, would be to really take the time to understand yourself. Until you do, you'll have a really hard time understanding who you're really going to be happy with. I took quite a while to myself. . .not even looking for romance, and it really was good for me. Turns out, as cool as I thought I was, I'm really just a huge geek. Lucky for me, Laurel is too. . . . so you can imagine we get along great.

. . . now I only hope I haven't embarrassed Laurel.

Sheesh. . . took so long to write that, I was logged out in the middle of it.

Mate, nothing ventured - nothing gained.

I have three scottish (male) friends who now live in the US and are married to ladies that they met on the net. Don't sweat it - relax, push it a little bit and see what comes of it.

georryan, yeah...every now and then my mind can run wild with thoughts.

and I totally agree with Art.....being friends and having stuff in common is very important.

I couldn't agree with Art more as well.

what art isnt telling you, is that i was a mail order bride from russia

LaureltheQueen wrote:what art isnt telling you, is that i was a mail order bride from russia

Don't lie, Laurel. . . . it was Ukraine.

oh yeah.... my theory on life...

It's better to regret the things you've done, than it is to regret the things you haven't.

LaureltheQueen wrote:oh yeah.... my theory on life...

It's better to regret the things you've done, than it is to regret the things you haven't.

Best advice yet.

I agree - I regret the rapists I haven't killed.

Steve