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I have a friend who I love dearly (even though she won't go out with me) who has this problem. I saw her today for the first time in a couple months and she looked terrible. I know she has this problem, but I thought she was getting better.

I have no clue how to deal with these kind of self-esteem issues. When I get mad I hate other people, not myself. I vent constantly and never hold anything in, so trying to figure out how to help her is like advanced quantum physics to me. I don't want to F-this up by saying somenthing stupid or obnoxious, but standing by and 'being there' is ineffective and no longer an option. If this girl needed a kidney I'd be waking up in a hospital bed tonight. Unfortunately, a kidney won't do it (well, not yet anyway - I'm trying to avoid that) so I'm wondering if anyone had any kind of experience with this. I am still out of a f'n job thanks in part to the douchebags in office and can't afford to pay for her to go to counseling (if she'd accept). If I get a real job, that may be an option, but I need help now.

The support groups I've found all seem to be geared towards fellow sufferers, so I'm at a loss. I wish there was just someone I could beat on or worse to solve the problem as that's what I was built for - this kind of thing scares me and frustrates me.

Any helpful experience or useful links (other than sites describing it as I've found them) would be greatly appreciated. Whatever that's worth.

Steve

Well, Vikash would be the one to talk to about Advanced Quantum Physics. Talking to people, that seems to be something I've become fairly proficient in.

I'll assume you are on good terms with the girl (considering the kidney thing). You are in a fantastic position to help, sort of.

I'm sure you've read the descriptions of bulimia, and know the mental implications that it has. She feels that she needs to project a specific image onto people, in order to be accepted by them. This fascination with "being thin" leads to severe emotional depression and poor physical health. Such a lack of self-esteem can lead to further self-destructive behavior.

So what can you do?

Well, you've started on the correct path. Stand by her side. Become someone she can confide in. Someone she can count on. Someone she can turn to when she has a problem.

Being a friend is something that will help her in ways nothing else could. What do you think counselers are? I know how psychiatrists work, and their methods are effective. Become a trusted friend that the patient can confide in. I've had enough conversations about any number of topics with friends to know how it works.

You need to talk to her. Explain to her that you only want to help. Don't pressure her though. It's like trying to get someone to quit smoking, they will hate you for trying to change their life. If she has told you that she has a problem, then you need to comfront her about it.

Explain that it is a serious risk to her health, and it's a behavior that will undoubtedly land her in a nice shared room at the local hospital. Don't try to "scare" it out of her. Simply allow her to explain why she feels the need to do this, and who she is trying to impress.

For the most part, bulimia sufferers don't know how to be happy with themselves, so they rely on others being happy with them (or doing what they think will make others happy). In order to help her rectify this thinking, you have to let her know that you appreciate her for who she is inside, not what she looks like outside.

The best thing you could do for her is to be her friend.

I actually only know the simplest basics of quantum physics.

This is tough, Steve... I know a couple of people who have suffered the same illness. I don't have the answers to your questions, but I'll add an observation I've made that may help you understand her better so you can help her better.

There's more driving bulimia than the obvious desire to be thin -- in at least some individuals there's also an element of desire for control. When one feels out of control and helpless, one sometimes finds that one's body is something that can be controlled, even if that control essentially takes the form of self-mutilation. It's still a self-esteem issue, but it doesn't necessarily have anything to do with a desired body image.

Does that make any sense?

If I were in your shoes I'd start by trying to see her more often. For one thing, it'll help you keep an eye on her condition a little better. For another, it may help her to see someone caring for her.

And you also may want to try going to a support group even if it seems like it's meant for sufferers, and just ask the people in charge whether it's appropriate for you to attend, or ask if they have any ideas for you.

I understand how it makes you feel helpless having to stand by. I'm not saying don't try your damndest, but try hard not to get overly frustrated by the simple fact of life that you can only do so much to help those you love help themselves.

call loveline, ask Dr Drew, he's the man and can hook you up with support groups and whatnot in your area

Thanks, everyone. I know where it comes from (more or less) - her mother is dead and her father has a 'new family'. Her brother is a selfish prick and she lives alone with her aunt who's barely there. She also keeps looking for love from guys that with one exception I would qualify as closet homosexual. As a result they are aloof and pay no attention or care to her other than using her to 'prove' to the world their 'straightness'. Whenever these useless relationships end, she gets more depressed and drinks. Then she starts the cycle again with the next closet she can find. Anyone that knows her agrees that these guys aren't straight, so it's not just me.

She's a wonderful beautiful person (when she's not too skinny) and it breaks my heart to see this. I wish she'd go out with me so I could help her better - at the very least I'd be much better than these other clowns.

She did inform me of her problem months ago, so she must trust me, but she never calls me - I always have to call her and with my women issues I take that as a sign of disinterest. On the other hand, with my way of deakling with things (hate the world, not myself) it may be that she's intimidated. She talks to my sister more, but I think she's also a little proud to get help.

I don't know, I really don't friggin' know at all what to do, but I plan on talking to her and telling her how much I care about her and that I'm worried. How I've noticed her loss of weight and how she always goes home after eating and sleeps alot.

I'd light my car on fire for her and would do it gladly if it could fix this. Then I'll really be job limited!

Steve

When you talk to her and tell her how you feel, you probably shouldn't also tell her that she should be going out with you.



MK

Of course not. I don't really want to anymore as I'm not equipped to deal with this. I have a hard enough time dealing with women with low self esteem, never mind turbocharged low self-esteem on NOS. I'm just not made for that. Honestly, I'm confused as to exactly how I feel about her other than that I would do anything for her. Things happen for a reason and though we have a lot in common there's probably a reason she wouldn't go out with me - like I'm not able to deal with this issue in a relationship format and that maybe I'd become her substitute for self-meaning. Whatever my confusion doesn't matter - all that matters is she gets over this, past it, beats it, whatever they call it when people don't die from this and take control of it.

Steve

Be her friend first. I think the best, most usefull thing you can do is just that. Don't push either.
Perhaps you can invite her out for a walk or something and discuss (very, very gently) what options she might be interested in as far as her eating disorder is concerned -I'm assuming since she's breached the subject, she's done a little more than just mention it, right?
Anyway, it might also be a good idea to politely and, again, very gently, make some inquiries to her friends (if you know any), and maybe get a little feedback into her overall mental/physical/emotional health.
Beyond that, I wish you the best of luck Steve. Funny thing about people is no matter how much you love them and want to see them well, they won't budge until they're good and ready. Sadly, some never reach that point...
Keep me updated man. In the meantime, I have a friend who battled with both Anorexia and Bulimia for years. She also had a substance abuse problem on top of all that, so she may be uniquely qualified to shed some light on the subject.
Hang in there!

How do you know she is bulemic?
If you are not positive, be careful not to overreact, I have known young women who have kinda "experimented" with bulimia a bit, but rather quickly got over it, almost as if it was a short stage. I'm sure its the exception, because it definately develops quickly into a serious problem for many. And if worried about appearances, bulimia is no good. It will ruin your teeth very quickly, not to mention your throat and esophagus. Worst of all for the appearance conscious, it will give you incredibly bad breath. Not to belittle the problem, but its true. Don't push, just be there, don't judge, just listen if you can get her to talk about it.
Good luck, you are a good man.

In the interest of understanding the disease, it's worth pointing out that many people choose the laxative method instead of inducing vomiting, which makes the side effects somewhat different.

My current GF has/had an eating disorder since she was a Teen. It’s a really tough disease to deal with, and she can’t do it herself…her mind absolutely will not allow that to happen. The worst thing you can say is that you look too skinny, or that you look better with a bit more weight……NOTHING good will come from any comment like that. Their self image is so massively twisted that it’s very dangerous to mess with it. In short she needs help. The longer she weights to get treatment the more traumatic the treatment will be for her. My GF needed to be hospitalized at one point, her period stopped, her hair was falling out, and she was fainting. She was basically strapped down and forced to eat 5000cal a day to bring her body back to a weight that organs were not shutting down. If she gets help sooner it is just therapy, still hard to deal with though. But this IS A DEADLY disorder and your friend needs some help. And I guarantee that she doesn’t want it, and she may hate you for bringing it up and pushing her to get help…but she will be alive to hate you. I’m not a professional here though, talk to a Dr.

No, she's told me she has this problem and has had it for a while. She may use the laxative method as I can't tell any other side effects, but I don't go to the bathroom with her, so I'm not sure. She does want some help, as she told me about it. I told her I'd do whatever she needed, but she's never asked me to do anything and now she seems to be getting worse. She seemed OK for a while when she was in counseling, but the counselor moved or something, so now she's without and doesn't seem to be doing well.

I never mention her looks as my instincts are good enough to figure that it's a sensitive subject I'd be better off not broaching. I wish other people cared or knew enough to do the same. I am exercising massive restraint in not hurting someone she works with who made a comment to her looks. The only excuse I have not to take out all my frustration (and there's a lot of it) on this miserable closet case is that he didn't say it in front of me and she wouldn't want me to hurt the little bitch boy.

This is hard for me to reconcile also because I can't tolerate dependency, yet I love her, though from what I've read this disease comes in part from a want to control things, so that I understand a little better. I don't know if that makes sense.

Caring about people complicates things too much. Where are my car keys?

Steve