((((RING)))) (((RING)))
**Pick Up**
"Hello?"
"Hi honey, this is Daddy, Is Mommy near the phone?"
"No Daddy, She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank."
After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Frank."
"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now"
Brief Pause...
"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."
"Okay Daddy, just a minute."
A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone.
"I did it Daddy."
"And what happened honey?" he asked.
"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"
"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Frank?"
"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead"
***Long Pause***
***Longer Pause***
Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool??? .....Is this 555-7039??"
------------------------------------------------------------------------
two muffins are in the oven.
The first muffin says to the other, "Holy shit, he's gonna eat us!"
The second looks back and says, "Holy shit, a talking muffin!"
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A young Southern boy goes off to college, but about 1/3 through the semester he has foolishly squandered what monies his parents had given him.
Then he gets an idea. He calls his Redneck father." Dad" , he says, "You won't believe the wonders that modern education are coming up with. Why, they actually have a program here that will teach dogs to talk!"
"That's absolutely amazing!" says his father. "How do I get Fido enrolled into the program?"
"Just send him down here with $1,000.00 and I'll get him in the course." So, his father sends the dog and the $1,000. About 2/3 way through the semester the money runs out. The boy calls his father again.
"So how's Fido doing, son?" his father ask
"Awesome, dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, but you won't believe this-they've had such good results with this program that they've implemented a new one to teach animals to read."
"READ!?" says his father, "No kidding" What do I have to do to get Fido in that program?"
"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class." His father sends the $2,500.
The boy has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out that the dog can neither talk nor read. So he shoots the dog.
When he gets home, his father is all excited. "Where's Fido I can't wait to see him talk and read something!"
"Dad," the boy says, I have some grim news. This morning when I got out of the shower, Fido was in the living room kicking back in the recliner, reading the morning paper, like he usually does and he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messing around with that little redhead who lives on Oak Street?'
The father says, "I hope you SHOT that lyin' son of a bitch"
"I sure did, Dad!"
"That's my boy!"
---------------------------------------------------------------
A german, a mexican, and a chinese get stranted on a deserted island. They notice that there's no way they'll be rescued anytime soon, so they decide to settle in. The german guy says "alright mexican guy, you go gather wood , chinese guy, you go get supplies, and I'll go look for food. We'll meet here in about three hours."
Three hours later, the mexican and german guy meet, but the chinese guy is nowhere to be found. They search for him for hours but conclude that he may have been in some sort of accident. Weeks go by, and while the mexican and german guy are out looking for food through the jungle, the chinese guy suddenly jumps down from a tree and yells "SUPPLIES!!"
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Joke.
Moderator: Moderators
A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks past and looks up and says to the monkey,
"Hey! what are you doing?"
The monkey says, "smoking a joint, come up and have some."
So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have a few tokes together.
After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and that he's going to get a drink from the river.
The lizard climbs down the tree, dittybops on thru the jungle to the river and leans over the river to get his drink. Well, the lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river.
A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the lizard, "What's the matter with you?"
The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting in a tree and smoking a joint with the monkey and got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.
The crocodile says he's gotta check this hippie monkey out and walks off into the jungle where he finds the tree where the monkey is still sitting and toking on the joint.
He looks up and says "hey you!"
The Monkey looks down and says, "ffuuucccckkkk dude.............how much water did you drink?!!"
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A man staying at a hotel in London removes a card offering sexual
services from a nearby phonebox. Back at the hotel he rings the number
and a lady with a silky soft voice asks if she can be of assistance.
The guy says he wants a blow job + regular + doggie + some bondage and
finishing with a pearl necklace, then asks her "what do you think?"
The lady says 'That sounds really good but if you press 9 first you'll
get an outside line'.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a
policeman. He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is sure
that he has a better education. He decides to prove this to himself
and have some fun at the cop's expense...
Cop says, "Licence, please."
Lawyer says, "What for?"
Cop says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign ."
Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Cop says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License, please."
Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
Cop says, "The difference is, you have to come to a complete stop, that's the law. Licence, please!"
Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my licence and you give me the fine, if not you let me
go and no fine."
Cop says, "Get out of your vehicle, sir."
At this point, the cop takes out his baton and starts beating the crap
out of the lawyer and says:
"Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?"
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions of stars."
"...and what does that tell you?" Holmes calmly continued.
Watson pondered for a minute.
"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in LEO. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately
a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"....................................
Holmes was silent for a moment, then spoke.
"Watson, Someone's stolen our fucking tent."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A local law enforcement officer stops a car for traveling faster than the posted speed limit.
Since he's in a good mood that day he decides to give the poor fellow a break and write him but a warning instead of a ticket. So, he asks the man his name.
"Fred," he replies.
"Fred what?" the officer asks.
"Just Fred," the man responds.
When the officer presses him for a last name, the man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks he has a nutcase on his hands but plays along with it.
"Tell me Fred, how did you lose your last name?"
The man replies, "It's a long story so stay with me. I was born Fred Dingaling. I know, funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time. So I stayed to myself. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older I real! ized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, finally got my degree so I was Fred Dingaling, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream. Got all the way through school, got my degree so I was now Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS. Got bored doing dentistry so I started fooling around with my assistant. She gave me VD. So, I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS with VD. Well, the ADA found out about the VD so
they took away my DDS so I was Fred Dingaling MD with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD. Then the VD took away my dingaling so now I'm just Fred."
The officer walked away in tears laughing.
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Anyone else has any, your welcome to share.
"Hey! what are you doing?"
The monkey says, "smoking a joint, come up and have some."
So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have a few tokes together.
After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and that he's going to get a drink from the river.
The lizard climbs down the tree, dittybops on thru the jungle to the river and leans over the river to get his drink. Well, the lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river.
A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the lizard, "What's the matter with you?"
The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting in a tree and smoking a joint with the monkey and got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.
The crocodile says he's gotta check this hippie monkey out and walks off into the jungle where he finds the tree where the monkey is still sitting and toking on the joint.
He looks up and says "hey you!"
The Monkey looks down and says, "ffuuucccckkkk dude.............how much water did you drink?!!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man staying at a hotel in London removes a card offering sexual
services from a nearby phonebox. Back at the hotel he rings the number
and a lady with a silky soft voice asks if she can be of assistance.
The guy says he wants a blow job + regular + doggie + some bondage and
finishing with a pearl necklace, then asks her "what do you think?"
The lady says 'That sounds really good but if you press 9 first you'll
get an outside line'.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a
policeman. He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is sure
that he has a better education. He decides to prove this to himself
and have some fun at the cop's expense...
Cop says, "Licence, please."
Lawyer says, "What for?"
Cop says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign ."
Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Cop says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License, please."
Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
Cop says, "The difference is, you have to come to a complete stop, that's the law. Licence, please!"
Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my licence and you give me the fine, if not you let me
go and no fine."
Cop says, "Get out of your vehicle, sir."
At this point, the cop takes out his baton and starts beating the crap
out of the lawyer and says:
"Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?"
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions of stars."
"...and what does that tell you?" Holmes calmly continued.
Watson pondered for a minute.
"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in LEO. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately
a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"....................................
Holmes was silent for a moment, then spoke.
"Watson, Someone's stolen our fucking tent."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A local law enforcement officer stops a car for traveling faster than the posted speed limit.
Since he's in a good mood that day he decides to give the poor fellow a break and write him but a warning instead of a ticket. So, he asks the man his name.
"Fred," he replies.
"Fred what?" the officer asks.
"Just Fred," the man responds.
When the officer presses him for a last name, the man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks he has a nutcase on his hands but plays along with it.
"Tell me Fred, how did you lose your last name?"
The man replies, "It's a long story so stay with me. I was born Fred Dingaling. I know, funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time. So I stayed to myself. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older I real! ized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, finally got my degree so I was Fred Dingaling, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream. Got all the way through school, got my degree so I was now Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS. Got bored doing dentistry so I started fooling around with my assistant. She gave me VD. So, I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS with VD. Well, the ADA found out about the VD so
they took away my DDS so I was Fred Dingaling MD with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD. Then the VD took away my dingaling so now I'm just Fred."
The officer walked away in tears laughing.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Anyone else has any, your welcome to share.
-
Arctic Assassian
- Third Gear
- Posts: 935
- Joined: Sat Apr 14, 2007 12:20 am
- Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Police officer is running a speed trap on a freeway when suddenly a station wagon tears by at 10mph over the speed limit. Oddly. the car is covered with Penguins... their hanging off the luggage rack, out the windows. from the bumpers, EVERYWHERE.
Police officer pulls the car over and is bursting with quriosity. "Whats with the Penguins?" he asks the driver. "Well.... my Ecentric Uncle died and left me 101 Penguins in his will. when I asked the lawyer what I should do with all the Penguins, He told me to take them to the Zoo. so thats what Im doing."
The Police Officer let the driver off with a warning.
A week later. Same Police Officer, same stretch of freeway. Same Station wagon, still covered with penguins. this time doing 15mph over.
As the police officer is writing the driver a ticket he says "I thought you where taking these Penguins to a zoo." The driver replies "I did! I did! and we had such a GREAT time, now we're going to the beech!
===============================================
A Crook breaks into a bar and is trying to Jimmy open the cashbox with a crow bar when he hears a voice say "God is watching"
He does a slow scan of the room and can find nobody. after a few minutes he resumes trying to break open the cashbox and yet again a voice says "God is watching".
The crook is starting to get freaked out. Still nobody else in the room! Finally he reaches out and shakes the crowbar while watching the room. "God is watching"
This time he is able to detect where the voice is coming from and finds a parrot sitting on a high shelf.
"Did you say that?" he asks.
"Yes I did" says the parrot
"Wow! Your pretty smart for a Parrot! Whats your name?" asks the crook
"John the baptist" says the Parrot.
"What kind of freak names a Parrot John the Baptise?" asks the Crook.
"The same freak that named the Rottweiler God,"
Police officer pulls the car over and is bursting with quriosity. "Whats with the Penguins?" he asks the driver. "Well.... my Ecentric Uncle died and left me 101 Penguins in his will. when I asked the lawyer what I should do with all the Penguins, He told me to take them to the Zoo. so thats what Im doing."
The Police Officer let the driver off with a warning.
A week later. Same Police Officer, same stretch of freeway. Same Station wagon, still covered with penguins. this time doing 15mph over.
As the police officer is writing the driver a ticket he says "I thought you where taking these Penguins to a zoo." The driver replies "I did! I did! and we had such a GREAT time, now we're going to the beech!
===============================================
A Crook breaks into a bar and is trying to Jimmy open the cashbox with a crow bar when he hears a voice say "God is watching"
He does a slow scan of the room and can find nobody. after a few minutes he resumes trying to break open the cashbox and yet again a voice says "God is watching".
The crook is starting to get freaked out. Still nobody else in the room! Finally he reaches out and shakes the crowbar while watching the room. "God is watching"
This time he is able to detect where the voice is coming from and finds a parrot sitting on a high shelf.
"Did you say that?" he asks.
"Yes I did" says the parrot
"Wow! Your pretty smart for a Parrot! Whats your name?" asks the crook
"John the baptist" says the Parrot.
"What kind of freak names a Parrot John the Baptise?" asks the Crook.
"The same freak that named the Rottweiler God,"
Dave
_________________
1993 Legacy Sport Sedan 4EAT "Angel" *sold*
_________________
1993 Legacy Sport Sedan 4EAT "Angel" *sold*
-
TheSubaruJunkie
- Fourth Gear
- Posts: 1140
- Joined: Tue Mar 16, 2004 7:26 am
- Location: Sacramento California
- Contact:
That last one reminded me of a blonde joke I know:
"Two blonde's decide to go ice fishing, so they get an auger and walk out onto the ice.
As the blonde's start to drill their hole, they hear a voice speak to them "There are no fish here."
The blonde's pause and look at eachother, then continue to drill. Again, they hear the same voice "There are no fish here."
Puzzled, they look around and see nobody, then go back to drilling. And again they hear the same voice say "There're no fish here!"
The blondes stop drilling and one asks, "God, God is that you??"
"No, its the manager of the ice rink, and im telling you THERE ARE NO FISH HERE!!"
"Two blonde's decide to go ice fishing, so they get an auger and walk out onto the ice.
As the blonde's start to drill their hole, they hear a voice speak to them "There are no fish here."
The blonde's pause and look at eachother, then continue to drill. Again, they hear the same voice "There are no fish here."
Puzzled, they look around and see nobody, then go back to drilling. And again they hear the same voice say "There're no fish here!"
The blondes stop drilling and one asks, "God, God is that you??"
"No, its the manager of the ice rink, and im telling you THERE ARE NO FISH HERE!!"
1983 Subaru GL-10 Brat
1986 Toyota 4Runner
1986 Toyota 4Runner
Jack, a handsome man, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV. The 10:00 news was on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at Jack and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"
Jack says, "You know, I bet he will."
The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."
Jack placed $30 on the bar and said, "You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death.> The blonde was very upset and handed her $30>to Jack, saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money."
Jack replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump."
The blonde replies, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again."
Jack took the money.....
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A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked.
"Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.
"And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
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A blonde on a flight to Houston in Economy Class gets up and walks into the First Class section and sits down. The flight attendant tells her she paid for Economy Class and she'll have to go back there. The blonde replies "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Houston and I'm staying right here." The co-pilot come out to talk to her but she insists "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Houston, and I'm staying right here." The co-pilot tells the pilot what she said and suggests maybe they should have the police waiting to arrest her when they arrive. The pilot says, "I'll handle this, I'm married to a blonde and I speak blonde." He goes back to the blonde, whispers something in her ear and she says "Oh, I'm sorry", gets up and walks back to Economy Class. The co-pilot and the flight attendant were amazed and asked the pilot what he said to make her move without a fuss. The pilot said "I told her First Class isn't going to Houston".
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A lawyer and a blonde gal happen to be sitting next ot each other on a long flight from L.A. to NY. The lawyer leans over and asks her if she would like to play a game.
The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists saying that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains how the game works: "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me and vice-versa."
Again the blonde politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer figures he's pretty smart and since his opponent is a blonde he will easily win the match, so he makes another offer. "Okay, how about this? If you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5.00 but if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."
This catches the blonde's attention and figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to play the game.
The lawyer asks the first question....
"Whats the distance from the earth to the moon?"
The blonde doesn't say a word - reaches into her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer. Now it's the blondes turn.
She asks the lawyer.... "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"
The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the air-phone with his modem and searches the internet and even the Library of Congrss. Frustrated he sends e-mails to all his co-workers and friends he knows. All to no avail. After over an hour of searching for the answer he finally gives up. He wakes the blonde and hands her $500.00.
The blonde politely takes the $500 and turns away to get back to sleep. The lawyer who can't believe he has been outsmarted by a blonde, is going nuts trying to figure it out. He's more than a little frustrated! He wakes the blonde again and asks .....
"Well- so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"
The blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00 and goes back to sleep.
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A skinny 100 lb man waits for the elevator. The doors open and he steps inside. Inside is the largest black man he has ever seen, the little guy is staring up and down at this beast of a man. The big guy looks down and says "6 ft 7 inches tall, 375 lbs, 22 inch biceps, left testical weighs 2 lbs, right testical 3 lbs, 12 inch dick, Turner Brown."
The little guy faints to the floor. The big guy kneels down and begins tapping the little guy on the face to awaken him. The little guy says "what did you say?"
The big guy says well since I am so big everyone wants to know my stats I stand 6 feet 7 inches tall I weigh 375 lbs my biceps are 22 inches in diameter my left nut weighs 2 lbs, my right nut weighs 3 lbs, my dick is 12 inches long and my name is Turner Brown."
The little guy looks up and says "Oh thank God I thought you said TURN AROUND!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
man was at the country club for his weekly round of golf. He began his round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie the second. On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole in one when his cell phone rang.
It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.
The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that the he'd be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best ever round of golf. He decided to get in a couple of more holes before heading to the hospital. He ended up finishing all eighteen. He finished his round shooting a personal best 61 shattering the club record by five strokes and beating his previous best game by more than 10.
He was jubilant, then he remembered his wife. Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital. He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition.
The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your round of golf didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself at the country club your wife has been languishing in the ICU! Its just as well you went ahead and finished that round because it will be more than likely your last! For the rest of her life she will require 'round the clock care.And you'll be her care giver!"
The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and started sobbing uncontrollably.
The doctor started to snicker and said, "Just screwing with you! She died more than two hours ago.
What'd you shoot?
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I attended a party this past weekend. After checking out all the well-dressed guests at the party, I spotted an attractive woman (standing alone) across the room. When I approached and asked her name, She coyly replied... "Carmen."
Trying to maintain some sort of conversation with her, I responded with "That's a beautiful name; is it a family name?"
"No," she replied. "I gave it to myself, because it reflects the things
I like most in the world - cars and men."
Then she asked, "What's your name?"
"Golftits," I replied.
The blonde looked at Jack and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"
Jack says, "You know, I bet he will."
The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."
Jack placed $30 on the bar and said, "You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death.> The blonde was very upset and handed her $30>to Jack, saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money."
Jack replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump."
The blonde replies, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again."
Jack took the money.....
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A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked.
"Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.
"And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A blonde on a flight to Houston in Economy Class gets up and walks into the First Class section and sits down. The flight attendant tells her she paid for Economy Class and she'll have to go back there. The blonde replies "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Houston and I'm staying right here." The co-pilot come out to talk to her but she insists "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Houston, and I'm staying right here." The co-pilot tells the pilot what she said and suggests maybe they should have the police waiting to arrest her when they arrive. The pilot says, "I'll handle this, I'm married to a blonde and I speak blonde." He goes back to the blonde, whispers something in her ear and she says "Oh, I'm sorry", gets up and walks back to Economy Class. The co-pilot and the flight attendant were amazed and asked the pilot what he said to make her move without a fuss. The pilot said "I told her First Class isn't going to Houston".
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A lawyer and a blonde gal happen to be sitting next ot each other on a long flight from L.A. to NY. The lawyer leans over and asks her if she would like to play a game.
The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists saying that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains how the game works: "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me and vice-versa."
Again the blonde politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer figures he's pretty smart and since his opponent is a blonde he will easily win the match, so he makes another offer. "Okay, how about this? If you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5.00 but if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."
This catches the blonde's attention and figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to play the game.
The lawyer asks the first question....
"Whats the distance from the earth to the moon?"
The blonde doesn't say a word - reaches into her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer. Now it's the blondes turn.
She asks the lawyer.... "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"
The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the air-phone with his modem and searches the internet and even the Library of Congrss. Frustrated he sends e-mails to all his co-workers and friends he knows. All to no avail. After over an hour of searching for the answer he finally gives up. He wakes the blonde and hands her $500.00.
The blonde politely takes the $500 and turns away to get back to sleep. The lawyer who can't believe he has been outsmarted by a blonde, is going nuts trying to figure it out. He's more than a little frustrated! He wakes the blonde again and asks .....
"Well- so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"
The blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00 and goes back to sleep.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A skinny 100 lb man waits for the elevator. The doors open and he steps inside. Inside is the largest black man he has ever seen, the little guy is staring up and down at this beast of a man. The big guy looks down and says "6 ft 7 inches tall, 375 lbs, 22 inch biceps, left testical weighs 2 lbs, right testical 3 lbs, 12 inch dick, Turner Brown."
The little guy faints to the floor. The big guy kneels down and begins tapping the little guy on the face to awaken him. The little guy says "what did you say?"
The big guy says well since I am so big everyone wants to know my stats I stand 6 feet 7 inches tall I weigh 375 lbs my biceps are 22 inches in diameter my left nut weighs 2 lbs, my right nut weighs 3 lbs, my dick is 12 inches long and my name is Turner Brown."
The little guy looks up and says "Oh thank God I thought you said TURN AROUND!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
man was at the country club for his weekly round of golf. He began his round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie the second. On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole in one when his cell phone rang.
It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.
The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that the he'd be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best ever round of golf. He decided to get in a couple of more holes before heading to the hospital. He ended up finishing all eighteen. He finished his round shooting a personal best 61 shattering the club record by five strokes and beating his previous best game by more than 10.
He was jubilant, then he remembered his wife. Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital. He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition.
The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your round of golf didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself at the country club your wife has been languishing in the ICU! Its just as well you went ahead and finished that round because it will be more than likely your last! For the rest of her life she will require 'round the clock care.And you'll be her care giver!"
The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and started sobbing uncontrollably.
The doctor started to snicker and said, "Just screwing with you! She died more than two hours ago.
What'd you shoot?
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I attended a party this past weekend. After checking out all the well-dressed guests at the party, I spotted an attractive woman (standing alone) across the room. When I approached and asked her name, She coyly replied... "Carmen."
Trying to maintain some sort of conversation with her, I responded with "That's a beautiful name; is it a family name?"
"No," she replied. "I gave it to myself, because it reflects the things
I like most in the world - cars and men."
Then she asked, "What's your name?"
"Golftits," I replied.
Last edited by legasee on Mon Apr 21, 2008 11:22 pm, edited 1 time in total.
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
"Careful," he said,"CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD!
You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM
NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful ... CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
he Conversion to Euro English...
With the implementation of the Eurodollar underway in Europe these last few years, the European Union is trying to find new ways to standardize practices in Europe.
The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than German which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five year phase-in plan that would be known as "Euro-English".
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of the "k". This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have 1 less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20% shorter.
In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be ekspekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e"s in the language is disgraseful, and they should go away.
By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.
After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi to understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru! And zen world!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
ANGER MANAGEMENT
When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you
just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you
know, take it out on someone you don't know.
I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten
to make. I found the number and dialed it.
A man answered, saying "Hello."
I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?"
Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right f......ing
number!" and the phone was slammed down on me.
I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.
When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I
had accidentally transposed the last two digits.
After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.
When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled
"You're an asshole!" and hung up.
I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it
in my desk drawer.
Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad
day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an asshole!" It always cheered me up.
When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic 'asshole'
calling would have to stop.
So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the
telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our
Caller ID Program?"
He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone.
I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an
asshole!" and hung up.
One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot.
Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had
patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting
for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in
his back window, so I wrote down his number.
A couple of days later, right after calling the
first asshole (I had his number on speed dial,) I thought that I'd better
call the BMW asshole, too.
I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"
He said, "Yes, it is."
I asked, "Can you tell me where I can see it?"
He said, "Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax . It's a yellow
rambler, and the car's parked right out in front."
I asked, "What's your name?"
He said, "My name is Don Hansen,"
I asked, "When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
He said, "I'm home every evening after five."
I said, "Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"
He said, "Yes?"
I said, "Don, you're an asshole!"
Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.
Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call.
Then I came up with an idea.
I called asshole #1.
He said, "Hello."
I said, "You're an asshole!" (But I didn't hang up.)
He asked, "Are you still there?"
I said, "Yeah,"
He screamed, " Stop calling me,"
I said, "Make me,"
He asked, "Who are you?"
I said, "My name is Don Hansen."
He said, "Yeah? Where do you live?"
I said, "Asshole, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax , a yellow
rambler, I have a black Beamer parked in front."
He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start
saying your prayers."
I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole," and hung up.
Then I called Asshole #2.
He said, "Hello?"
I said, "Hello, asshole,"
He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."
I said, "You'll what?"
He exclaimed, "I'll kick your ass,"
I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance, I'm coming over right now."
Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived
at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax , and that I was on my way over there
to kill my gay lover.
Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Oaktree
Blvd. in Fairfax.
I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax . I got there
just in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other
in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded
by a news crew.
NOW I feel much better....
Anger management really does work.
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
"Careful," he said,"CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD!
You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM
NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful ... CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
he Conversion to Euro English...
With the implementation of the Eurodollar underway in Europe these last few years, the European Union is trying to find new ways to standardize practices in Europe.
The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than German which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five year phase-in plan that would be known as "Euro-English".
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of the "k". This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have 1 less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20% shorter.
In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be ekspekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e"s in the language is disgraseful, and they should go away.
By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.
After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi to understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru! And zen world!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
ANGER MANAGEMENT
When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you
just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you
know, take it out on someone you don't know.
I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten
to make. I found the number and dialed it.
A man answered, saying "Hello."
I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?"
Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right f......ing
number!" and the phone was slammed down on me.
I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.
When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I
had accidentally transposed the last two digits.
After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.
When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled
"You're an asshole!" and hung up.
I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it
in my desk drawer.
Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad
day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an asshole!" It always cheered me up.
When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic 'asshole'
calling would have to stop.
So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the
telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our
Caller ID Program?"
He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone.
I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an
asshole!" and hung up.
One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot.
Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had
patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting
for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in
his back window, so I wrote down his number.
A couple of days later, right after calling the
first asshole (I had his number on speed dial,) I thought that I'd better
call the BMW asshole, too.
I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"
He said, "Yes, it is."
I asked, "Can you tell me where I can see it?"
He said, "Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax . It's a yellow
rambler, and the car's parked right out in front."
I asked, "What's your name?"
He said, "My name is Don Hansen,"
I asked, "When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
He said, "I'm home every evening after five."
I said, "Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"
He said, "Yes?"
I said, "Don, you're an asshole!"
Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.
Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call.
Then I came up with an idea.
I called asshole #1.
He said, "Hello."
I said, "You're an asshole!" (But I didn't hang up.)
He asked, "Are you still there?"
I said, "Yeah,"
He screamed, " Stop calling me,"
I said, "Make me,"
He asked, "Who are you?"
I said, "My name is Don Hansen."
He said, "Yeah? Where do you live?"
I said, "Asshole, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax , a yellow
rambler, I have a black Beamer parked in front."
He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start
saying your prayers."
I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole," and hung up.
Then I called Asshole #2.
He said, "Hello?"
I said, "Hello, asshole,"
He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."
I said, "You'll what?"
He exclaimed, "I'll kick your ass,"
I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance, I'm coming over right now."
Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived
at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax , and that I was on my way over there
to kill my gay lover.
Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Oaktree
Blvd. in Fairfax.
I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax . I got there
just in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other
in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded
by a news crew.
NOW I feel much better....
Anger management really does work.
LOL some pretty good ones, the cop one might be my favorite.were the crap are you getting all these from? just cut and pasting?
i got one:
Bob is telling his buddy Mike about this cat house down on 9th street.
Bob "hey you should go down to that cat house on 9th street, that is a great place to get screwed!"
Mike "Alright, ill go down there tomorrow and check it out"
Next day, Mike goes to the cat house and knocks on the door, the mail drop door opens and a lady says
Lady "What can i do for ya?"
Mike "I wanna get screwed tonight!"
Lady "Alright, slide $80 under the door"
Mike slides the money under the door and notices that she took it, but he gets no response. thinking she forgot about him he knocks again, the lady comes to the door and says
Lady "What can i do for you?"
Mike "I want to get screwed"
Lady "Again?!"
1990 Legacy LS, 4EAT
1983 Peugeot 505S Turbo Diesel
1983 Peugeot 505S Turbo Diesel
-
Arctic Assassian
- Third Gear
- Posts: 935
- Joined: Sat Apr 14, 2007 12:20 am
- Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Photocopy an entire dictionary and fax it to the CFO.
Call phone-sex numbers and transfer the calls at random.
"Accidentally" send a personal e-mail to the entire company voicing your disapproval of your boss's constant reference to the CEO as an "ugly, stupid, lazy, spineless pussy".
Write a coworker's initials in White-Out on the photocopier.
Schedule a series of important departmental meetings and forget to show up to them.
Send blank sheets of paper via interoffice mail. (Marked "urgent" and "confidential", of course.) Remember to send a few to the mailroom; they'll especially get a kick out of it.
Replace a commonly-accessed file on the computer network with a scanned image of your ass. (An updated version of an old classic.)
Anonymously post quotes from Adolph Hitler on a company bulletin board. (Quotes about "team spirit" can be particularly inspiring.)
Adulterate other people's lunches: take bites out of sandwiches, sprinkle bacon bits in vegetarians' salads (also works well with Orthodox Jews), and spike the thermos of iced tea with grain alcohol.
See how long you can hide a paper bag full of tuna fish in the back of the refrigerator before someone notices it. (Writing someone else's name on the bag goes without saying.)
Put a paper bag full of your own feces in the microwave and leave it cooking on high.
Page someone over the company intercom with the message "Your sex-therapist is on the line and wants to reschedule the appointment."
Set a mouse free in the office each day. When the problem becomes an epidemic, send snakes after them.
Draw a flip-cartoon of a man running on the bottom of every notepad in the office supply closet.
Hide in the supply closet and scare people when they open the door.
Put a fake rubber hand in your sleeve, and when a secretary walks by, stick the hand in a paper shredder and scream.
When someone is at lunch, use their computer to e-mail a 200 megabyte database file to everyone in the company. The e-mail's subject, of course, should contain at least one vulgarity.
Misfile.
Hire a temp to do your job for you.
Submit letters of resignation for other employees.
Conduct all correspondence with your friend in the next office via Federal Express early-morning next-day delivery.
Submit a written complaint to the human resources department that, in your opinion, your boss spends a little too much time looking at pornography.
Tape a sign to a female employee's back that says "I've been sexually harassed."
Tape a sign to a female employee's back that says "Will f*** for promotions."
Dial the phone number of the guy in the next cubicle whenever he walks away from his desk. Hang up before he can run back to answer it. Repeat often.
Hire a stripper for the office Christmas party.
Send counterfeit memos from the company president, politely letting employees know that they've been fired and must clear out their offices and leave the building immediately.
Covertly replace people's PowerPoint presentations with "director's cut" versions, containing a nice dose of nudity and misleading bar graphs.
Report rumors daily via the bathroom wall.
Pull a fire alarm while someone is in the bathroom.
Make sure your expense report contains at least one reference to the "client meeting" at the "gentleman's club".
Whenever a coworker makes a mistake, offer them the opportunity to "help you out" in exchange for you not reporting the mistake to their boss.
Sneak into the conference room before the next major meeting and place nametags in front of each of the seats. Assign black people to one side of the table and white people to the other.
Sew a tag containing a coworker's name into a jockstrap or bra, and leave it on the center of a conference table before a meeting. (Small sizes of these garments improve performance of the prank.)
Post a list of the communists in your company on a conspicuous bulletin board. If you're not sure who the communists are, take your best guess.
Take a stack of resumes from the recruitment department and schedule some interviews for fictional, but high-paying, positions.
Post your boss's telephone number to the alt.sex.prostitution discussion group.
Shoot a cap gun, bang some pots and pans, scream into a megaphone, or do whatever else it takes to have an enjoyable surprise birthday party for the senile old bastard that no one has the guts to fire.
Suggest to the human resources manager that the company picnic be replaced by a "fun day giving back to society", volunteering at a recycling center, soup kitchen, or drug rehab center. Increase your chances of success by making the suggestion in a crowded elevator.
Hand an envelope to the new guy and ask him to deliver the "cancellation of pension" memo to the sixty-four year old mailroom clerk.
See how many funerals in a row you can get away with leaving work early for.
Wallpaper your office with pictures of Christ.
And finally:
Respond to every request by your boss with the phrase "I would prefer not to."
Call phone-sex numbers and transfer the calls at random.
"Accidentally" send a personal e-mail to the entire company voicing your disapproval of your boss's constant reference to the CEO as an "ugly, stupid, lazy, spineless pussy".
Write a coworker's initials in White-Out on the photocopier.
Schedule a series of important departmental meetings and forget to show up to them.
Send blank sheets of paper via interoffice mail. (Marked "urgent" and "confidential", of course.) Remember to send a few to the mailroom; they'll especially get a kick out of it.
Replace a commonly-accessed file on the computer network with a scanned image of your ass. (An updated version of an old classic.)
Anonymously post quotes from Adolph Hitler on a company bulletin board. (Quotes about "team spirit" can be particularly inspiring.)
Adulterate other people's lunches: take bites out of sandwiches, sprinkle bacon bits in vegetarians' salads (also works well with Orthodox Jews), and spike the thermos of iced tea with grain alcohol.
See how long you can hide a paper bag full of tuna fish in the back of the refrigerator before someone notices it. (Writing someone else's name on the bag goes without saying.)
Put a paper bag full of your own feces in the microwave and leave it cooking on high.
Page someone over the company intercom with the message "Your sex-therapist is on the line and wants to reschedule the appointment."
Set a mouse free in the office each day. When the problem becomes an epidemic, send snakes after them.
Draw a flip-cartoon of a man running on the bottom of every notepad in the office supply closet.
Hide in the supply closet and scare people when they open the door.
Put a fake rubber hand in your sleeve, and when a secretary walks by, stick the hand in a paper shredder and scream.
When someone is at lunch, use their computer to e-mail a 200 megabyte database file to everyone in the company. The e-mail's subject, of course, should contain at least one vulgarity.
Misfile.
Hire a temp to do your job for you.
Submit letters of resignation for other employees.
Conduct all correspondence with your friend in the next office via Federal Express early-morning next-day delivery.
Submit a written complaint to the human resources department that, in your opinion, your boss spends a little too much time looking at pornography.
Tape a sign to a female employee's back that says "I've been sexually harassed."
Tape a sign to a female employee's back that says "Will f*** for promotions."
Dial the phone number of the guy in the next cubicle whenever he walks away from his desk. Hang up before he can run back to answer it. Repeat often.
Hire a stripper for the office Christmas party.
Send counterfeit memos from the company president, politely letting employees know that they've been fired and must clear out their offices and leave the building immediately.
Covertly replace people's PowerPoint presentations with "director's cut" versions, containing a nice dose of nudity and misleading bar graphs.
Report rumors daily via the bathroom wall.
Pull a fire alarm while someone is in the bathroom.
Make sure your expense report contains at least one reference to the "client meeting" at the "gentleman's club".
Whenever a coworker makes a mistake, offer them the opportunity to "help you out" in exchange for you not reporting the mistake to their boss.
Sneak into the conference room before the next major meeting and place nametags in front of each of the seats. Assign black people to one side of the table and white people to the other.
Sew a tag containing a coworker's name into a jockstrap or bra, and leave it on the center of a conference table before a meeting. (Small sizes of these garments improve performance of the prank.)
Post a list of the communists in your company on a conspicuous bulletin board. If you're not sure who the communists are, take your best guess.
Take a stack of resumes from the recruitment department and schedule some interviews for fictional, but high-paying, positions.
Post your boss's telephone number to the alt.sex.prostitution discussion group.
Shoot a cap gun, bang some pots and pans, scream into a megaphone, or do whatever else it takes to have an enjoyable surprise birthday party for the senile old bastard that no one has the guts to fire.
Suggest to the human resources manager that the company picnic be replaced by a "fun day giving back to society", volunteering at a recycling center, soup kitchen, or drug rehab center. Increase your chances of success by making the suggestion in a crowded elevator.
Hand an envelope to the new guy and ask him to deliver the "cancellation of pension" memo to the sixty-four year old mailroom clerk.
See how many funerals in a row you can get away with leaving work early for.
Wallpaper your office with pictures of Christ.
And finally:
Respond to every request by your boss with the phrase "I would prefer not to."
///M
'93 Legacy SS - part out
'93 Legacy SS - part out
What's the difference between a truckload of dead babies and
actually maybe we shouldn't go there.
I made our office printer say funny things awhile back but I think I deleted them off my phone's sd card without saving. Some highlights were:
error: power cord unplugged
insert crayons for color prints
please refill bacon tray
feed me a stray cat
refill white toner
actually maybe we shouldn't go there.
I made our office printer say funny things awhile back but I think I deleted them off my phone's sd card without saving. Some highlights were:
error: power cord unplugged
insert crayons for color prints
please refill bacon tray
feed me a stray cat
refill white toner
Love that trick... Before our layoffs a friend and I would change it every day:jamal wrote:What's the difference between a truckload of dead babies and
actually maybe we shouldn't go there.
I made our office printer say funny things awhile back but I think I deleted them off my phone's sd card without saving. Some highlights were:
error: power cord unplugged
insert crayons for color prints
please refill bacon tray
feed me a stray cat
refill white toner
I print therefore I am
Replace water cartridge
insert coin (actually got a call asking if it was a new policy)
When I was growing up I wanted to be a see and say... now look at me.
Printing from tray 247
SUBARUEHS Racing
-
SemperGuard
- Second Gear
- Posts: 307
- Joined: Sat Sep 04, 2004 6:07 pm
dzx wrote:Photocopy an entire dictionary and fax it to the CFO.
Call phone-sex numbers and transfer the calls at random.
"Accidentally" send a personal e-mail to the entire company voicing your disapproval of your boss's constant reference to the CEO as an "ugly, stupid, lazy, spineless pussy".
Write a coworker's initials in White-Out on the photocopier.
Schedule a series of important departmental meetings and forget to show up to them.
Send blank sheets of paper via interoffice mail. (Marked "urgent" and "confidential", of course.) Remember to send a few to the mailroom; they'll especially get a kick out of it.
Replace a commonly-accessed file on the computer network with a scanned image of your ass. (An updated version of an old classic.)
Anonymously post quotes from Adolph Hitler on a company bulletin board. (Quotes about "team spirit" can be particularly inspiring.)
Adulterate other people's lunches: take bites out of sandwiches, sprinkle bacon bits in vegetarians' salads (also works well with Orthodox Jews), and spike the thermos of iced tea with grain alcohol.
See how long you can hide a paper bag full of tuna fish in the back of the refrigerator before someone notices it. (Writing someone else's name on the bag goes without saying.)
Put a paper bag full of your own feces in the microwave and leave it cooking on high.
Page someone over the company intercom with the message "Your sex-therapist is on the line and wants to reschedule the appointment."
Set a mouse free in the office each day. When the problem becomes an epidemic, send snakes after them.
Draw a flip-cartoon of a man running on the bottom of every notepad in the office supply closet.
Hide in the supply closet and scare people when they open the door.
Put a fake rubber hand in your sleeve, and when a secretary walks by, stick the hand in a paper shredder and scream.
When someone is at lunch, use their computer to e-mail a 200 megabyte database file to everyone in the company. The e-mail's subject, of course, should contain at least one vulgarity.
Misfile.
Hire a temp to do your job for you.
Submit letters of resignation for other employees.
Conduct all correspondence with your friend in the next office via Federal Express early-morning next-day delivery.
Submit a written complaint to the human resources department that, in your opinion, your boss spends a little too much time looking at pornography.
Tape a sign to a female employee's back that says "I've been sexually harassed."
Tape a sign to a female employee's back that says "Will f*** for promotions."
Dial the phone number of the guy in the next cubicle whenever he walks away from his desk. Hang up before he can run back to answer it. Repeat often.
Hire a stripper for the office Christmas party.
Send counterfeit memos from the company president, politely letting employees know that they've been fired and must clear out their offices and leave the building immediately.
Covertly replace people's PowerPoint presentations with "director's cut" versions, containing a nice dose of nudity and misleading bar graphs.
Report rumors daily via the bathroom wall.
Pull a fire alarm while someone is in the bathroom.
Make sure your expense report contains at least one reference to the "client meeting" at the "gentleman's club".
Whenever a coworker makes a mistake, offer them the opportunity to "help you out" in exchange for you not reporting the mistake to their boss.
Sneak into the conference room before the next major meeting and place nametags in front of each of the seats. Assign black people to one side of the table and white people to the other.
Sew a tag containing a coworker's name into a jockstrap or bra, and leave it on the center of a conference table before a meeting. (Small sizes of these garments improve performance of the prank.)
Post a list of the communists in your company on a conspicuous bulletin board. If you're not sure who the communists are, take your best guess.
Take a stack of resumes from the recruitment department and schedule some interviews for fictional, but high-paying, positions.
Post your boss's telephone number to the alt.sex.prostitution discussion group.
Shoot a cap gun, bang some pots and pans, scream into a megaphone, or do whatever else it takes to have an enjoyable surprise birthday party for the senile old bastard that no one has the guts to fire.
Suggest to the human resources manager that the company picnic be replaced by a "fun day giving back to society", volunteering at a recycling center, soup kitchen, or drug rehab center. Increase your chances of success by making the suggestion in a crowded elevator.
Hand an envelope to the new guy and ask him to deliver the "cancellation of pension" memo to the sixty-four year old mailroom clerk.
See how many funerals in a row you can get away with leaving work early for.
Wallpaper your office with pictures of Christ.
And finally:
Respond to every request by your boss with the phrase "I would prefer not to."
jamal wrote:What's the difference between a truckload of dead babies and
actually maybe we shouldn't go there.
I made our office printer say funny things awhile back but I think I deleted them off my phone's sd card without saving. Some highlights were:
error: power cord unplugged
insert crayons for color prints
please refill bacon tray
feed me a stray cat
refill white toner
Funniest shit ever!n2x4 wrote:Love that trick... Before our layoffs a friend and I would change it every day:jamal wrote:What's the difference between a truckload of dead babies and
actually maybe we shouldn't go there.
I made our office printer say funny things awhile back but I think I deleted them off my phone's sd card without saving. Some highlights were:
error: power cord unplugged
insert crayons for color prints
please refill bacon tray
feed me a stray cat
refill white toner
I print therefore I am
Replace water cartridge
insert coin (actually got a call asking if it was a new policy)
When I was growing up I wanted to be a see and say... now look at me.
Printing from tray 247