OIL CHANGE INSTRUCTIONS

[Aerotech]

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Oil Change instructions for Women:

1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.

2) Drink a cup of coffee.

3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave, driving a properly maintained vehicle.

Money spent:

Oil Change: $30.00
Coffee: $1.00
Total: $31.00
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Oil Change instructions for Men :

1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, use your debit card for $50.00.

2) Stop by 7/11 and buy a case of beer, (debit $20), drive home.

3) Open a beer and drink it.

4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.

5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car..

6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.

7) Place drain pan under engine.

Look for 9/16" box wrench..

9) Give up and use crescent(adjustable) wrench.

10) Unscrew drain plug.

11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.

12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.

13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.

14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.

15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.

16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.

17) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.

18) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.

19) Remember drain plug from step 11.

20) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan..

21) Drink beer.

22) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.

23) Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer.

24) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess skin between knuckles and frame.

25) Begin cussing fit.

26) Throw stupid crescent wrench.

27) Cuss for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy..

28) Beer.

29) Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow.

30) Beer.

31) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.

32) Beer.

33) Lower car from jack stands.

34) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during any missed steps.

35) Beer.

36) Test drive car.

37) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.

38) Car gets impounded.

39) Call loving wife, make bail.

40) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.


Money spent:
Parts: $50.00
DUI: $2500.00
Impound fee: $75.00
Bail: $1500.00
Beer: $20..00
Total: $4,145.00
But you know the job was done right!

[evolutionmovement]

So much of that is true!

[gijonas]

LMFAO!!! seriously who pays $50 for parts to do an oil change ,the rest-not so funny

[SILINC3R]

im sorry but that is freakin sweet.

[evolutionmovement]

Mobil 1 and an oil filter puts me over $40. Have a big sump and you'll go even higher.

[SiCkSTi04]

lol love it =D

[gijonas]

Mobil 1 and an oil filter puts me over $40.

I know - it was a joke.In attemp to make the rest of the steps seem totally realistic and also......nevermind.

[evolutionmovement]

D'oh. Must be the humorless German in me.

[gijonas]

Well,it could also be the crappy jester in me

[entirelyturbo]

The real story with Jiffy Lube is this:

1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube expecting to get your oil changed

2) Drink a cup of coffee, obliviously assuming your car is being taken care of properly

3) 15 minutes later, write a check and drive away

4) Notice the burning oil smell and blue smoke emanating from your tailpipe while your transmission refuses to shift gears

5) Return to Jiffy Lube

6) Discover that the amoeba-brained goon under the floor can barely wipe his own ass, let alone distinguish an engine drain plug from a transmission drain plug

7) Learn that this mixup resulted in your engine getting twice as much oil as necessary while your transmission got no oil at all

8) File a lawsuit against Jiffy Lube for severe damage to your car's drivetrain

9) Lose the lawsuit because our not-totally-fucked-up-at-all justice system judged in favor of Jiffy Lube because they have more powerful lawyers

Money spent:

Oil change: $30
Lawyer: $1000
Court fees: $200
New engine: $5000
New transmission: $4000

Total cost: $10,230

Moral of the story: Don't take your Subaru to Jiffy Lube.

[gijonas]

Moral of the story: Don't take your Subaru to Jiffy Lube.

You mean dont even look at jiffy lube while speeding by regardless of what you drive.

[Slow Hatch]

Lol, good play by play. Had me rolling