Too pissed to write this twice

[evolutionmovement]

From an email I just sent my friend (edited slightly):

Sean left a message for me to call him about making $100 Sat. Guess I'm calling in sick that day. Cocksuckers. And to top up the pile of shit that my life is, the toilet backed up into the tub and overflowed shit. the Rotor Rooter guy said the pipe was clogged with paper towels so it WASN'T EVEN MY SHIT! I bet it was that stupid old c**t upstairs. WHEN THE FUCK WILL SHE JUST DIE ALREADY?! The guy was nice enough to shovel out the dense mash of shit-soaked paper towels that made their way into my toilet with his hands.

I may try to get a raise at work if I have to work these shit hours, now alone, as the other night guy quit and two other full-timers are going part time. I wonder if it could be that they pay such shit for money? Nah of course not. Just a few years ago the most basic jobs paid $11-12 and were easy to get. Even temp agencies seem to be incapable of finding anything.

If I had the contacts I'd pursue what I've wanted since my dream of designing cars died (for lack of money, hmm) - contract killer. Maybe I should just write a novel about it ... Oh wait, I did and nobody wants to read that POS either!

Lots of sympathy for criminals right now. Drinkin' one for my fallen homies!

Steve

[Yukonart]

Damn. . . and I thought I had apartment issues.


C'mon Steve. . . . just because things are a little down now means they WILL get better!

[evolutionmovement]

Everything's been downhill since 1997.

And I had another minor anxiety attack. an ANXIETY ATTACK! WTF! I've been threatened at kinfe point and stood my ground, starved 30 pounds away from me (and I weighed 10 lbs less to begin with - I'm only 160 now), chased my alcoholic father out of the bushes with a sword, backed down some scary people, been in the thick of shit in various places, and enjoyed nearly killing myself multiple times in my cars and I've never had an anxiety attack in my life. Any previous life I've had I'm sure were well filled with me acting out violently and I've the feeling I'm not supposed to do that anymore. This economy is making it VERY hard to forego my natural tendencies. No money for a woman, fine I hardly miss it when none of them measure up anyway, but now I can't even do anything for my car and something's got to give. I feel like an eagle not allowed to fly - what's the fucking point?

Steve

[BAC5.2]

Steve,

I wish I could come up with some inspirational jargon for you. Or possibly some form of herbal relaxation technique.

But the fact of the matter is... I'm to fucking tired. I'll think of something witty and smart in the morning.

Until then, don't let this kinda shit (no pun intended) get you down. Just turn the other cheek (goddamn puns).

Phil

[BAC5.2]

Ok, scratch that. I've got it.

Steve, you're a good guy in the right place at the wrong time.

Job market sucks everywhere. This is America. A country so driven by working, that there's no time to NOT work. On day's off, people sit around drinking beer and scratching themselves. They don't do anything activity wise anymore.

If this were Europe, you could get a job tonight. They work 32 hour weeks and get 10 weeks vacation.

So yea, the Job market sucks. You've got a good place right now though, and I know you see that. How? You haven't quit yet.

You need to take advantage of your current situation. You've got a job. You are now ahead of the game. You say people are quitting left and right. Good, that's a bargaining chip in your favor. Use that as leverage to up the pay, and increase the responsibility. You can apply for manager position, and there's a good chance you'll get it. Espically if they are desperate for workers.

You ask what the point is, and I'll tell you. The point is survival. Not to prove something to anyone else, fuck everyone else. You've gotta prove things to yourself.

Look at it like a poker game. The chips are down, you go all in. Not to play it 50/50 and if you win you win, but if you lose you are out. You go all in, because you need a change. Win or lose, something big is going to happen, and when you get there you'll deal with it. Going out chip-by-chip, lingers things on, and it takes more to get back to the top. Fall out, and you can start fresh.

Take a risk. Apply everywhere. And keep on truckin. I know, I know, cliche' as a mother fucker, but it's true. Keep on keepin' on. You'll find yourself, and you'll be a better person for it.

You're doing pretty good if you ask me. You're alive, and apparently well. You're secure in your location (as you told me in your PM about the NE). You've got friends and belong, an entire message board full of them at least. All that's left is believing in yourself and not letting yourself down. Once you get that down, I have a feeling you'll cheer up.

Set goals, small ones, and work towards them. Accomplish small goals, and build up to bigger and better things. Pretty soon, you'll have better esteem, and become one with yourself.

If it's any consolation, I've got faith that you'll be alright. Not religious faith, but faith as a friend.

Phil

[legacy92ej22t]

I too took a crap job at Circuit City, taking a $12 an hour pay cut, so I could stay local and see my family more. The job market in my area is horrible, and I mean really bad, nothing, zip nadda. I look at the C-city job as a stepping stone though, just something to bring in a little money until I can actually find a real job. Hang in there, something will come up.

Ya know, I recently was going through a lot of crap and have had a long string of bad luck. It was starting to get me down pretty low because IMO my Karma should be paid up by now (actually a long time ago) for all the crazy, bad shit I did as a kid. It's almost like fate is playin' with my head, I'll find one of the rarest BMX bikes in the world at the dump in almost mint condition (Hey finally, some good karma's coming my way) and then a few days later some crazy asshole off duty cop chases me down and I get a reckless driving ticket! WTF?! I was having visions( preminisions) about finding that guy and getting retribution. I mean, what did I do to deserve that shit. He should feel my pain. I kept my head though and didnt', obviously. I don't know I'm really rambling but I guess what I'm getting at is that I think I know how you feel. I've been an avid musician for 2/3rds of my life and was convinced that I didn't need to study because I was going to be a rock star, well now I'm almost 30, have a wife and 2 kids that I can barely support and can't get a solid band together to save my life. It get's very frustrating and it's hard to keep the 'ol chin up sometimes. But as Phil said I just keep on gettin' on. A break has to come sometime. So try and keep your head and just roll with it. It'll get better, it has to. Instead of acting out violently maybe just write it all down and act it out that way. I'm not talking about a novel either, rather that instead of going upstairs and strangling your elderly nieghbor that just blessed you with the remnents of her bowels, you can right down how you'd like to. It may be therepudic. I can't remember but are you into any type of martial arts? Sparring can be a great way to release the tension too. Hell, even a heavy bag can work wonders.

[evolutionmovement]

I know who I am, it's just that my self esteem is non-existant with my financial situation. My sister could really use some money for preschool, too as the fucking Bush admin cut subsidies to whatever it is she's sending him to school through. And stupid Americans will reelect this mongoloid (no offence to those with an extra chromosome or people who are actually from Mongolia).

I used to be into martial arts but quit when they got too concerned with gay-ass forms for competitions - I've never been one to show off. I used to enjoy sparring, but would prefer finding a woman that could hold her own (or more than hold her own as I've written about) as it's one of the many things I hate doing with dudes. Blame it on an alcoholic father and growing up around women, but I've always been weird like that. My novels are the only way I haven't hurt anyone yet.

And a heavy bag never worked for me - I punch walls and beams, but I rent and don't want to wreck this place. My security deposit will buy lots of tea bags I can reuse in hot water at Dunkin Donuts at 3 AM when I'm homeless.

It's not out of anger that I want to be a contract killer. I just feel its something I would be good at and though I'd never be rich I could wake up in the morning feeling satisfied (if I could sleep with one eye open). There's a compartment in me that I can switch on that would revel in the challenge of the ultimate hunt. I'd never be a doctor, but there are too many people and taking out dead beats who owe money for gambling, drugs, etc. would be my twisted way of contributing.

Steve

[entirelyturbo]

Bear with me guys, this is gonna be long

I can empathize with you on the anxiety attack Steve... I had one about a month ago, it was really my own fault, but I never want to have one again.

I had a bunch of shit on my mind like I usually do (am I going to get my car done by the time I start school again? Do my grandparents really give a rat's ass about me anymore? Why haven't I had so much as a date in a year and a half?... The like), and I hadn't had a chance to eat all day. I had like a cup of yogurt in the morning and that was it.

So I get off work at the usual 10:45pm, and decide I feel like wrenching, so I go home to check out the ignition switch on my XT, because I think it fritzed on me earlier in the week when it completely died in a grocery store parking lot, and then magically cranked over. There are 4 Philips screws holding the kick panel that hides the back part of the switch, and I stripped the two on the right side out...

This seemingly puny and insignificant event sent me into this uncontrollable fit of rage. I flung the screwdriver across the garage with all my anger, there's still a chunk of the door missing now. I was sweating, I was shaking, I was screaming. I went inside to calm down, but I couldn't. I was hyperventilating, I was crying like a baby, I was sweating still even though I was freezing cold, and as much as I tried I couldn't calm myself down.

I called up renmaxi, my 91 turbo friend, who had been through this before. He stayed on the phone with me for over an hour to calm me down. He said it was the combination of the stress I was putting myself through and the fact that I didn't eat anything all day. Good thing I have friends that I can always count on... So yeah, it was some scary shit. Since then, I have made absolutely sure that I set aside time for myself to eat, no matter what else is going on, and I'm working on not letting stuff bother me all the time.

As for the job situation, I can offer this advice: You have a job, do whatever you can to keep it. Yeah, the hours suck, yeah your boss might be a dick, yeah you might have shit for benefits, but stick with it anyway. I hated my job at Toyota when I first started back in 02, the hours were terrible (though I'm in school so I don't have any choice), my boss had less education than me, and I hated the people I worked with. But I stuck it out, all the assclowns have been long since fired, I don't deal directly with my boss anymore, and I now have one of the more coveted jobs in the dealer: I drive a freaking van around in circles! Yeah it can get boring, but I do absolutely jack for work, I'm in the A/C, I don't have to deal with customers, and the best part, I have weekends off!

The other thing I can suggest: your car is running, leave it. That is coming from someone who usually finds an excuse to fix everything, but I'm serious. Save, save, save! Don't fix something until it's either absolutely necessary or you can afford to with money to spare. I used to be the same way, spend every cent I made on stuff NOW. Then one week I bought a set of alloys for the XT, and I used every extra dollar I had to do it. I was completely broke for the rest of the week, I was home eating Ramen noodles the whole time, and it hit me "Is this really making me happy?" I decided from then on, that saving money was my #1 goal. That was about 2 months ago. I have since paid almost all of my credit card off and completely unintentionally saved $100, just by putting money in my checking account and not touching it, and I've always had a few bucks cash on me. It feels so good to do that, that I'm continuing it to see how much it grows.

And cut back on something else you like that does nothing more than waste your money, like the alcohol. I'm not saying you're a pathetic bum that can't get through the day without getting shitfaced, but I do see that you like to drink a lot. Maybe cut down on that, or if you can, cut it out altogether. I have absolutely no booze in my house at all right now. I could easily get some if I wanted, I have plenty of friends of age. I'd rather save the money, but I'm not big on drinking anyway. Try that, you'll be surprised how much money you can save.

You know we all wish the best of luck to you Steve. Hang in there, you of all people ought to be strong enough to pull through.

[evolutionmovement]

I have NO money to save - what I make is less than my rent, utilities. I can't afford food and I'm getting sick of pizzas that my brother-in-law gives me (he makes them). My house downpayment is nearly gone and I owe a couple grand. I only drink what is given to me by sympathetic people. I make a six pack last three weeks. Another month or so and they'll be starting eviction procedings as I won't be able to pay. There goes my credit and my ability to even rent another place if that happens. I will be homeless. I appreciate the concern, but its not like I'm pussy-crying about not being able to go to the movies or something. There is no one I can move in with. My mother and sister live in public housing (which there is a long waiting list for) so I can't move there. Nobody I know has extra room even if I get rid of all my shit, but I can't sell the bike or the kayak as it'll be my only way to get around or find food (fishing, eating raw mussels) soon. The job ceiling pay is $9/hr. I need at least $10 to pay the bills and $11 if I want to be able to eat half-decently.

But there's always dealing. My fear of jail is now gone. I will just go out in a shoot out, something I've always half-expected to happen. I knew I wouldn't live to be old. Too bad there's no Greek mafia.

Steve

[tris91ricer]

awww.. steve... man, we all got shit. why, just last night, i found out that one of my best friends, whom i care about like a little brother, (he's retarded, i'm an only child) has been lying to/duping me about what's been going on in his life; he tells me his dad's been getting shit drunk off tanqueray and beating him. Nope, fuckin' lie. He's (my friend) been the one doing the beating; his 12 year old brother has bruises all over his body from my friend's beatings. Yes, i've been manipulated by a guy with the mental capacity of a TEN YEAR OLD! (i know, that's nothing to brag about, but hey, that's what i get for being caring.) I guess you could learn something from that though; there will always be some cocksucker like me who was raised liberal and feminine and wants to look out for the underdogs and would do just about anything for friends of that status. You can take his route; have your parents commit you to a pscyh hospital for 90days at at time.
Manipulate your environment, any way you can. I don't know what the laws are around you, but here, if you're in possession of less than 40g (weed), you only get a misdemeanor. 40grams, that's what? ounce and a half? forget jail, worry about the court dates if you get 'em.. that's at LEAST $320-$400 you could move in a day, if you're good at it, i dunno what you're slingin...
and do you have faith? I've had my schism with the catholic church, but i still talk to god every day. Ask god why? All things happen for a reason, and he's either challenging you or..
i dunno..
Steve, don't do anything desperate, please. I guess I'll be the first to say it, being the metro that i am: Steve, we LOVE you. really, we do. We, collectively, as a whole, as a legacy family, LOVE and appreciate you for who you are. no matter what. I hope you can feel the empathy we all have for you, granted our situations aren't that bad, but we care for you. Just ask and i bet we could all do something to help you out. But you have to want it.
want help finding a job?
Someone here HAS to be a good resume writer. I could do it.
Need help finding something? We have computers, we can search monster or whoever for SOMETHING for you.
Need to eat? I'll bet if you give us an address, we'll send you a small care package.
Need car parts: (desperate?) My 91FWD 5MT is on its way out here soon, I'd be more than happy to cut you a sweet deal on things you need that i have. I sure as hell don't need 'em.
Just reach out, my brother.

-=tristan

[BAC5.2]

Steve - What I think is on everyones mind is... What can we do to help?

[Yukonart]

Steve. . . . you have a Paypal account?



If so, please post it. A guy's got to eat. . . I mean it.

[vrg3]

I'm sorry life's so tough on you right now, Steve.

I've been there with the toilet thing... $*%&@ upstairs people. Who stuffs paper towels down the drain?!

I don't have much to add after what these other guys have all said. You've got a support group in us. You're a way cool guy, and at some point things have to turn around. I understand how trapped you feel, but you don't have to give up hope on eventually being freer.

I'd say definitely ask for the raise. If you're really gonna be working alone, then that means you're the only person they've got and they need you.

From what I understand, becoming a contract killer isn't something you can just do. Like any other great job, you have to work your way up to it (unless you have some kind of connections or legacy a la Mr. Bush). Actually, now that I think of it, dealing might not be a bad way to try to get your foot in the door... but it would take a long, long time to climb that ladder.

[THAWA]

have you considered a second job? something with tips? what about a roommate?

[legacy92ej22t]

If you have a little bit of capital you could try to use your extensive knowledge about cars to do a little online trading in car parts. I was considering doing this and still might in the future. You could sit on good deals on ebay and then resell the items at a reasonable profit. It's just a thought.

If you're going to deal, then herb definitely isn't the way to go IMO. For it to be worth while you'd have to deal quanities that gaurantee felony charges if caught. If you're going to go up on felony charges then you might as well go after bigger fish that bring faster returns. It's probably not a good idea though. It may help things in the short term but eventually it will bring trouble, trouble you don't want.

Are you willing to relocate for work? I'll keep my eyes and ears open if you are.

[BAC5.2]

I'm sure the crime world is like prison. Beat the shit out of the biggest, baddest guy around, and you'll be top dog in no time.

Watch the movie "Who is cletus tout?" for tips.

[evolutionmovement]

I wish I could start out as a getaway driver (like my character - the whole first novel is like a twisted fantasy of mine). Alas dreams! Vikash has already sent me some money and I am beyond grateful! If there's ever anyone you need whacked ... I hate to seem like a charity case, but I think my situation precludes me from not accepting it. I will pay it back even if I have to overnight it in the form of (once) fresh mussels or clams (I'm a bad fisherman) from my address on the beach.

I lived on 1 Ramen noodle packet a day at school, so I can probably live on a little less than I'm eating now, though not the 1 Ramen thing as I need energy for work. My whole family was doing great until a few years ago and now everyone is horribly underemployed and overextended. Everyone I know is hurting, yet somehow real estate is rediculous and everyone else seems to be driving expensive new cars (I saw a Vanquish and a new Continental GT within 5 mins of each other the other day and usually see Modena Spyders and a Maserati).

I've sent a million resumes out and daily check internet help-wanteds and local papers. I even asked some roofers at a job site I was driving by if they were hiring (they weren't D'oh!). I'm good with the kind of stress where someone wants to hurt or kill you, but this stuff i have no power over is seriously putting the hurts on me.

I do have faith in stuff (my own thing), but I'm starting to lose it. I REALLY don't want to turn to illegal things as coming back for another life to try this lesson again has zero appeal to me as I'm sure I'm here to learn not to make a living off other's pain. I already have enough crap they'll send me back to learn, I'm sure. Hope that shit doesn't seem too weird.

You guys are all great, which is why I bothered to even write this here. I wish I could make the shootout just to see some of you regardless of the cars.

I sent a resume out to an electricl equip. test lab so here's some crossed fingers, though I think I'm going to knock on some more doors and just ask. That's how I got this job.

My other option is night crew stocking at the grocery store down the street (hey, self-esteem! Where'd you go?) as even they pay better than Pep Boys (I blame it all on Manny specifically) and maybe I could keep Pep Boys part time for a little extra money (very little) and as qualification for ASE certs. If a friend of mine who sold cars he got from auction was still alive I wouldn't even have to bother as he'd say I had whatever experience they asked for. Not that that's the reason I wish he weren't gone.

Steve

[entirelyturbo]

Steve, remember that dead Zexel compressor you mentioned in the other thread? Wait until next week, as I don't have it right this second. But gimme a shipping price to zip 32804, and I'll give you $40 on top of that for it. I know it's not worth that much, it's a charitable contribution as far as I'm concerned... That oughta put some halfway decent food down your gullet or some extra gas in your tank...

I've been here long enough and I know the people here well enough. No one on this board wants to see you starve to death. I'm sure every active member of this board would be more than willing to help you out.

[evolutionmovement]

I really didn't write this to ask for money - just to vent some serious stress. I totally appreciate it anyway! Michael, don't buy the compressor unless you want it. I hate feeling dependent. I want everyone to know I'd do the same for you guys and maybe someday I will. Found another job just now to apply ofr and I think it's at my old work (lighting, Vikash! Specifically the automotive division). But now I've probably said too much and jinxed myself!

Steve

[entirelyturbo]

I still want to do my little A/C idea, and I understand that 94 Legacies came with Zexel compressors. So I need one to see what will fit and what might not...

Like I said, gimme a week to get everything together, and all you have to do is get a shipping quote to me and a PayPal account to send it to...

I'm the same way as you, I don't like depending on people either. Just yesterday, my grandfather paid me back for a $4 hacksaw I picked up for him. He handed me a $10 bill, and I yelled at him to put it back and give me $4.

But when you're in that precarious of a situation, it's okay to accept help. No one will think any less of you.

[dzx]

I look at it in with the law of averages, the more shit that happens, the more good things have to happen sooner or later to even it all out. So i spend everyday waiting for the good things to start happening...If you have a paypal account i'll send you ten dollars, not much but all i can spare at the moment.

[Tleg93]

Dude, I know I'm coming in late in the thread but your posts had me a bit concerned. Are you alright? I get the feeling that you're mostly venting but some of the things said were a little worrisome. It sucks for an intelligent person to be stuck in a repetitive job. My overall impression about you though is that you're a motivated individual who is just stuck in a rut. You've posted a lot of useful information that has helped me in the thinking process when it comes to our cars and I'm sure it has helped others as well.

I don't know if it will help you get you bearings but step back a moment and look at the big picture. Compared to me you're progressing well with your writing. Christ, I've been working on my plot and writing my story for about a year with only a half a chapter that is actually cohesive. It may not be blazing new trails in fiction but at least you've finished it and are moving on to the next. That in itself says a lot. Keep on plugging away and offer tips to aspiring authors like myself (insert hint here). Not to blow my own horn but those to whom I've explained my story think it sounds epic and would like to read it. I just get bogged down on the details. So maybe if you'd like to offer some information or tips I would be eager to hear them.

I get super frustrated myself. I bitch to Matt all the time and I usually feel like an ass later for it. Here I am complaining to a man raising two children. Anyway, all that talk is neither here nor there. I just hope that you see yourself through this abrasive spot without tearing a hole in your mind. As far as anxiety attacks are concerned I can sympathize with you there. When you're in the grips of one of those all lights seem darker. It's hard to avoid out and out panic when in the grips of anxiety. I usually bite my lip, internalize and maybe get myself into a wide open spot alone while my mind works to balance the imbalance or however you want to look at it.

I've suffered from panic attacks all my life. Now that you've had one, try to imagine that for a moment. At times it can seem like the whole world is bearing down on you, but it's not, well at least in the way you imagine it is at the time . I could go into details about several memorable moments where I felt like I was losing my mind but nobody really wants to hear about it, least of all me. Especially one time when I was at a Pink Floyd concert, not a good place or time to suffer a panic attack. Well, enough said, weather it out. I won't bs you about rosy days ahead because there is always another struggle on the horizon but for every pile of dung you fall into there's a shower somewhere around the corner.

[evolutionmovement]

In my case the shower has the dung in it . As for writing, what do you mean by details? Like technical things? I write mostly what I know or interests me or that I've done (like most of the car stuff) so that I can stand researching it (like S&M, terror groups, cults, and money laundering). If you're doing fantasy, it's likely a lot harder as the governing rules are more your own and it's very difficult to imagine how everything interacts and influences other things in our own environment so that it can be deconstructed and changed to adapt to whatever environmental/social/cultural changes you've made in the fantasy/sci-fi world. I'm too anal to ever be satisfied writing that so I try to stay in the 'real' world as much as possible. My first novel attempt was fantasy, but I killed it after 180 pages. It just didn't want to get written and I found it derivitave and the technical aspects to be too daunting for me to resolve satisfactorly.

My main problem is that I don't want to be homeless. Life's irony is not lost on me, as I put my friend up here for 3 months so he wouldn't be homeless.

Steve

[Tleg93]

I'm sorry, but that opening sentence was far too funny not to laugh at. I can handle the writing part I guess I was just saying that I enjoy feedback from other writers. It's funny that you mention about staying in the real world because the element I'm trying to capture in my story is one that includes shadings of 'real' conspiracy theories and elements of mythology. You're right that it's hard because you have to create a world\worlds and cultures. The only real problem I'm having is keeping the pace of the story lively. I actually never got very far in your story before it was deleted by someone else who was using my computer at work.

Just so you know, even though I've had the anxiety attack issue it's not like a daily thing. I don't want you to think I'm crazy or anything.