Top 10 Douchebag cars

[Manarius]

Borrowed with love from the SVX forums. I think this may have some relevance to that Cd thread.

10 Maserati: This car is in the number 10 spot only because of their lack of prescence on the road. Typical of a mid-30s douchebag, these cars can be found with their either wealthy or stupidly indebted owners driving like complete morons in thick midday traffic. When they aren't trying to impress high school sophomores with their rad fake ferraris they can be found laying black marks into onramps and nearly taking out soccer moms when they fail to signal while playing NASCAR on the highway.


..9 Civic Si: While most civics are owned by sensible motorists just wanting cheap transport, a small group of teenage douchebags, empowered by the fantastic scenes of speed in The Fast and the Fictious have decided that one car stands above all else as a powerhouse road rocket. They have chosen the anemic Civic Si to show the rest of the commuting world just who's boss. With it's stunning 170 HP, these buzzfarting pests can be seen slowly bumbling through traffic, racecar style, sometimes passing on shoulders and turn lanes to prove their macho vehicles are faster than anything they happen to pass, most of the time when no "race" of any sort is taking place.


..8 BMW 3-Series: Everyone's encountered these douchebags on the road. Yuppie with a cell phone up to his ear, crappy eurotrash technomusic blaring, chinese knock-off designer sunglasses on and a pink polo shirt with the collar popped like a pro. This metrodouchebag has only one thing on his mind when he's driving, and that's proving how big a douchebag he really is to any and all drivers on the road. When you are at an intersection with a lane that ends, he will try to race you to get in front of you, when you are doing 15 over on the freeway, he will pretend to be agitated and floor his mighty 220 HP mill to flyby you and show that his vehicle is meant for autobahn speeds. Apparently the warranty as a clause about a free replacement vehicle if the car is damaged while running a red light or stop sign, regardless of age or mileage, so be careful when these crowning douchebags pull their ultimate driving machine up to the line, they might just cross it!


..7 Dodge Ram: This list wouldn't be complete without the country douchebag cousin. Out of all the trucks, none has spurned a douchebag craze like the Hemi toting ram. With it's big grille, sunburnt, dirty, tattoo'd arm hanging out the window, and a confederate flag adorning the rear window, this truckload of douchebaggery will bear down on any little car that happens to be in front of them, tail gating them until they can snarl their overstressed engine to gradually pass by. Loud and awful sounding exhausts along with gun racks and cam seat covers are common place on these rural douche haulers. Just make sure you have a decent bit of distance between these tailgating SOBs if you decide to brake check these lunatics, trucks aren't known for their ability to stop.


..6 Trans-Am: A hardy choice for a midlevel douchebag, Trans-ams are notorious for their owners complete lack of self control when it comes to showing off their badass plastic muscle car. Revving their obnoxiously loud engines at anything with 4 wheels and an audible engine, these douchebags are always looking for a chance to show off their douchebaggery. More often than not, some slack-jawed yokel, upon being called such, will utter phrases like "well what do you drive" or "my ****'s faster'n yours". This boondock douchebag call, while not limited to trans-am drivers, is often followed by a big burnout , no matter how thick the traffic is, and a middle finger. It should be noted, these douchebags appear to network with other douchebags to form douche convoys.


..5 Camaro SS: The companion douchebag to the trans-am, these cocky bastards have taken a notch above the trans-am because of the ego boost their SS badge gives them. SS, standing for Super Small, is a reference to their penis size. Often the SS Douchebag (lol sounds like a ship full of *******s) will try to show off for his inbred girlfriend by racing vehicles that aren't acknowledging a race, or participating in the douchebaggery of trans-am owners, as stated above. On top of burnouts, donuts, and being obnoxious, they firmly believe the SS badge of their Camaro gives them super powers over other Camaros, even V8s, inspite of a weight difference not over come by the marginal power difference.


..4 Mustang Cobra: The crowning douchebag of the V8, the mustang cobra reigns supreme in their godlike douchebaggery. Cobra douchebags suffer from a Napoleonic complex that their cars are the greatest vehicles ever made. The fact that can be fast is the primary fuel for this ego. However, when these douchebags are bested they fall back on a douchebag cliche as old as time. People who think their car sucks are jealous of it, and wish they could afford the bourgeois pricetag of a $27000-$30000 car. They are also prone to excuse making, from the design of the car, to the fact that some of these douchebags just don't know how to drive them. These are all excuses levied to try and quell the flood of criticism of the small-dicked, arrogant douchebag when they try to show off more than they are able.


..3 Subaru STi: The douchebag mobile for the 21st century is here. Complete with a simulated penis enlarging function that gives the owners of these fugly shopping carts with engines the feeling they are more masculine than they truely are. Again spouting claims of jealous or inability to afford a cheap japanese import, the drivers of these cars are the first all-weather douchebags of the list. Because of mass advertising campaigns, the pinheaded morons driving these cars seem to think that any day, rain, snow, shine, or 3" of glaze ice is race day and will not hesitate to prove this to you, even if it means slamming into a telephone pole on a winter day. On top of that, the turbocharged engine gives these twats a sense of superiority over other vehicles that don't have turbochargers. The douchebags brag about these fascinating pieces of technology, even if they haven't a clue how they work.


..2 Mitsubishi EVO: Thanks to a mass marketed hype, Mitsubishi was able to jump into the douchebag market with the Mitsubishi EVO, an ugly piece of junk that can best be described as a turbocharged chinese takeout box. Because of the hype and aura surrounded by these douchemobiles, their owners think their cars are invincible, able to best every and any car on the road or track, inspite of reality. Again jealousy is an issue with the owners of these rolling dumpsters because we all know people just wish they owned a $30000 Lancer with a hopped up engine. Additional "technology" features (including a massive wing inversely proportional to the owners penis size) attract quasi-intelligent douchebags to these cars because they can pretend to explain how all the useless marketing features actually make their cars fast. Through extensive douchebag networking, a random douchebag always knows some other douchebag who is a friend of a douchebag with an Evo that runs single digits in the quarter mile. This information is b ogus, and often imparted by a douchebag trying to impress non-douchebags about a hyped up douchemobile that he doesn't own. Races with these uber-fast EVOs never materialize either. Fortunately, the hype on these vehicles is fading away, but egos remain higher than ever as a result, with douchebags desperate to prove how badass they can be by racing anything on the road.


and now...


The Number 1 Douchebag Vehicle of All


Dodge Neon SRT4: The ultimate in douchebaggery vehicles. A worthless turd of a vehicle, slapped together by the company that brought you the Ram, comes a douchemobile of unimaginable proportions. There is not a single owner of these vehicles that isnt faithful to the douchebag way of life. Whether it's talking up their slow piece of crap and never running it, making every excuse from the douchebag rolodex of BS reasons why they won't race or lost a race, or simply doing childish douchebag things like weaving, blowing through redlights, flooring it at every opportunity, burnouts in traffic, revving at cars two lanes over and in front of them, racing in traffic, nearly rear ending cars, losing control and flying off a road while attempting to race a car that wasn't racing, NASCAR impersonations, trying to show off to their ugly girlfriend how macho they are by being a complete moron, pretending parking lots are rally tracks, and thinking they have the fastest car ever built, SRT4 owners do it all. They are world class, award winning, grade A douchebags that need to be stomped, laughed at, outrun, and outdone in every car related anything they bring their pieces of crap too. Even Dodge thought they created a douchebag monster they couldn't control so they axed it. Above it all, these douchebags are in intense denial about one thing: THEY DRIVE NEONS. Neons will never be cool, respectable, awesome, attractive, or have a legacy other than being pre-form scrap metal. Douche on, SRT4 owners, Douche on!

[evolutionmovement]

Nice list. I only have issue with the BMW douchebag's description - around here they drive very slow, rivaling regular Toyota drivers (not hybrids, though, those slug assholes are in their own league) earning them the German Toyota nickname (ok, I'm the only one that calls them that). And I've never seen misbehaving Maserati drivers, but then, there aren't many BiTurbos left around. I'd substitute mid 70's to C4 Corvette for the posers and chest wigs that drive them or Hummer H2 drivers.

[AWD_addict]

I'll second your slow BMW idea. I was behind a newer M3 conv. on some twisty road a few days ago that was going awfully slow. Some middle aged housewife was driving it; probably bought it for looking cool since she certainly wasn't using it's performance abilities at 25 mph.

[GotSubie]

sorry but the mustang shouldent be up there

[evolutionmovement]

Yes it should. Especially the 5.slows and deservedly a spot above the Camaro guys. Maybe I'm dating myself, but the difference between the two when I was in school was that the Camaros were bought by their owners and the Mustangs by the owners' parents earning them an appropriate place higher in the list.

[scottzg]

funny that this is on the SVX forums.

#1 in my book.

[Yukonart]

#3 should be ammended to encompass ALL WRXs, not just the STis. I've seen more WRX owners do things like that than STi owners. . . although they come in all shapes and sizes. . . .

[evolutionmovement]

Yeah, especially now that used WRXs are real cheap they're attracting the crooked hat Honda crowd. I feel completely detached to most of the rest of the Subaru community.

[entirelyturbo]

I agree with the WRX/STi thing. Slowly, I'm starting to realize my place in the automotive community, and it's not with the Subaru crowd unfortunately (and I doubt it will be even after I get my turbo project going).

Scott, I don't see how SVX owners are douchebags. Yes, I've met a few myself, but they usually had a WRX/STi first, and wanted an SVX because they're supposedly "old-school"

Both the Fox body and F-body cars should be on the list, most definitely. This may sound cliché, but the coolest domestic guys I usually meet are turbo Buick guys...

I would also like to add the Ferrari 360 to the list. I've never met any 360 owner who knew anything else about the car other than it was a Ferrari. +10 douchebag points if they put chrome wheels on it...

[evolutionmovement]

The only SVX owner I knew was a knock out Cambodian woman with a great raunchy sense of humor to match her looks. Too bad she was married.

[Yukonart]

The only SVX owner I knew was a knock out Cambodian woman with a great raunchy sense of humor to match her looks. Too bad she was married.

[evolutionmovement]

Seriously, she was unbelievable. Amazing ass, Italian body, dark skin, amazing ass, beautiful face, looked 25, but was 33, had 2 kids, but there was no sign of it (I saw her stomach - flat as the perfect torque curve). It deserves a sad face for the chick as close to as hot as my ex that I ever met in person and she got away (though, that was before I even met her, I suppose). I should've married her cousin like she asked, too. At least I'd have someone to cook me somthing other than the hot dogs I make myself and clean this place. Now I'm rambling...

[entirelyturbo]

I thought you were gonna say "amazing ass" a third time.

[AWD_addict]

I was hoping for that too.
You're on to something with the "crooked hat" crowd. I've never heard a concise label for them before.

[ferrari494]

i do believe the Civic SI crowd should much higher up than a lowly 9...VTEC means my car can beat anything!

[snowboarded]

VTEC - Viciously Takes Every Car. Am I right or am I right?

[Richard]

Metrodouchebag. Lol.

And Mustangs are like assholes where I live. Everyone's got one. Even the guys (and girls) with V6 models have to get the borla exhaust, which in my opinion, sounds worse than stock. I love stomping on these V6 wannabe sports cars. After they catch up, I apologize saying I thought they wanted to race but I was mistaken, even though they revved their engine and left a little rubber back at the light.

Now that's fuckin with someone!

[Wolfeyes88]

Two more cars that are missing( should at least be tied with the civic si)

The pontiac sunfire, and the chevy cavalier. The two most annoying cars on the road. Especially in packs. If itś not some stuck up little 16 year old bitch driving, it´s a 17-19(seldom older) year old guy who thinks his little four banger is the hottest car in town. Not just the fastest, but the most expensive too. When you say something about it, they always say one of two things:

¨Don´t hate me cause you ain´t me.¨
¨Not that you could ever afford one.¨

Never leave you car unattended around such losers, they´re the most likely to trash you car when you´re not around.

[evolutionmovement]

Thankfully, that may be a more regional breed. Those particular morons are rare up here. The biggest idiots left up here are the premium car drivers and Honda kids, though they're also getting thin. With this Lamborghini dealership nearby I'm waiting to see if I can form a stereotype of Gallardo owners - they seem to be everywhere so it's a matter of time before I don't like them. Most of the general Lamborghini owners I've met in the past have been cool, though. Surprisingly. New Aston Martins are getting pretty common, too, but the ones I've seen drive I like. Damn those engines (both V8 and V12) sound amazing.

[wiscon_mark]

biggest douche car around here (that's not listed)

Pontiac Grand Am.

Man, those douches think they're hell on wheels. Whether it be the 2.4L 4cyl or the 3.0 V6, they've gotta be the fastest, most invincible cars on the planet. Or maybe even the universe. After all, all those commercials they show, have Grand Ams piloting their way through indiana jones- like mazes where the ball is about to hit them until the Grand Am reaches eleventy billion miles per hour and goes into hyperspace and outruns it, smashing it to little pieces of glass, just because. And all the blonde girls who flip their hair while driving, talking on the cell phone, talking to themselves, and talking to their 4 friends in the car, while swerving all over the road, and using the gas pedal like it's a toggle switch, running stop signs, and giggling when they almost crash, almost killing themselves, their friends, and whoever else might be involved.

But it's invincible, so what do they care?

[Wolfeyes88]

Things must be regional, down here, you see somone standing next to a grand am and you ask them if they own it they´re like ¨ Um, no, I drive, uh, that pinto over there.¨

And on the road they drive like ¨oh god, if I get one scratch on this thing my mom is gonna kill me!¨

[206er]

around here its the souped up turbodiesel truck drivers.

[Richard]

With the big ass 8 inch vertical exhaust stacks coming from their truck bed too?

[206er]

yeah, or what sounds like an open turbo, usually with truck nuts, git r done stickers and camoflage wallpaper.

[Wolfeyes88]

Looking around, I think I´m the only person here who is proud to call himself a subie driving redneck.. Now I said redneck, not white trash, there´s a difference.

Almost all of the people driving the turbo diesels, jacked up new f150´s and rams(with chrome rims, or worse, spinners), with the get r done, nascar, and calvin stickers are nothing but yuppies pretending to be rednecks, because they want people to think they actually work down in the mud for a living. Just watch, follow a couple home one day and you´ll see them pull into gated comunities, hopping out with a dup of starbucks.

Damn you larry the cable guy.