Good Battery, dead car, it's a mystery.

[samandw]

So here's what I've got going.
Batter voltage: 12.35 volts
Fuses: All checked good (under hood and in drivers kick panel)
Normal Status: Dead. Like someone simply removed the battery.
Battery negative has ground, starter has 12 volts to it.
I attempted to hot-wire it by putting voltage to the ignition wire . . . nothing.

Every now and then, it will do the following:
With the key in accessory position (ONLY), the door ajar light will light, interior lights will come on, and the beeper will beep. Tap the horn and it sounds normal. Turn on the flashers and everything goes dead. Turn the key forward and everything goes dead. Turn the flashers off or the key back, and it stays dead till the next time it comes "alive".

Anyone had to deal with this before?

[jefferson]

I would check out your ignition switch. The thing gets play in it and it does weird things. Worth checking out even though it may not be the culprit.

Jeff

[volny]

did you check the alternator?

I have had issues with that this past year...

[silver03]

Terminal connections are clean and secure...really secure?

[Legacy777]

Sounds like a loose connection somewhere or possibly a short. If you take and jumper a thick gauge wire from the pos. side of the battery to the starter pos terminal does the car turn over?

[SILINC3R]

I have this problem a lot because I get lazy and don't clean the terminals and make sure they are fully seated and secured. I will put money that it is this and not something serious.

[volny]

poured some coke on mine and brushed them off

[IronMonkeyL255]

Could be quite a few things. I have seen the terminal connectors break, internal breaks in the wires (inside the insulation), and a bunch of other random shit.

I would check all of the above. You said you checked the fuses, but did you also check the fusible link in the underhood fusebox?